February Review:

My eating habits are boring. I eat the same four or five meals. About once a week or so I eat out, dining on the same foods: typically a chicken bowl from Chipotle or Tom Yum Koong. Sushi is an occasional treat, or, if I’m feeling particularly naughty, shrimp fried rice.

I’m okay with eating boring. It’s working for me. At the moment I’m too lazy to cook. I don’t enjoy cooking for myself. With others? Sure: let’s try new recipes! Let’s go shopping together!

By myself? A peanut butter and banana sandwich will suffice.

The major perk about absconding from lifting weights is that I am not nearly as hungry anymore. You would be surprised how hungry one day of week of StrongLifts can make you! I’ve been able to cut out an entire meal! I say “cut out” as if I’ve actually made an effort to decrease what I eat. Nope: it’s happened spontaneously. As a result I ate significantly less chicken last month.

March Goals:

None. Just keep doing what you’re doing.

Sunday, March 1 to Thursday, March 5:

Not the most disciplined of days. Before I forget, I had sushi last Friday.

This week… most of the same ol’. But I had shrimp fried rice yesterday. The place I have been going to for years is apparently closed down (again). I was looking forward to it, so I Yelped another place. It sucked. I ate about half, or maybe slightly less, before throwing it away. It tasted healthier than my usual, but I’m not eating shrimp fried rice for health. (Only partially.)

The usual place I go to is so amazing precisely because they give a ton of huge shrimp. There’s a ton of grease, too, but whatever. Maybe this will just wean me off shrimp fried rice. It’s not something I typically have, anyway.

I also had some shrimp and chicken fried rice at Coffee Break. Spicy. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good.

See, I don’t eat out ‘cuz the food is good. I eat out ‘cuz I’m lazy and bored. It’s an emotional thing.

What else have I had? The usual. You know what that is. I know what that is. One of these months I’ll start copying and pasting all the usual. Protein shakes, the 11-12 supplements I take, etc.

Friday, March 6:

AM:

protein shake

tuna sandwiches

February Review

Nailed the yoga goal (add six asanas). Averaging five days a week of my more-or-less full practice. There are nine left, although that number is deceiving: four of them are all quite similar. The last one is one of my favorites. So this month I will add the final nine!

Since I have become accustomed to them by practicing them at the studio a few times a week, I am no longer intimidated by them. I’m actually looking forward to it.

Quitting lifting was an excellent decision. My body is no longer stiff! It feels perpetually primed for physical activity. I am in great shape!

Biking and running have become much more consistent. Twenty-five miles a week on the bike has become easy. A couple of miles a week running. I could do a lot more; looking forward to the opportunity. Nathaniel still can’t do more than a mile comfortably. I could probably do 2-3 fairly comfortably; a mile doesn’t tire me at all anymore. It just feels good to run it!

March Goals:

Practice the entire Primary Series.

Bike at least 25 miles a week.

Run with Nathaniel at least once a week.

Begin working out with Gildardo.

Simple goals!

Sunday, March 1:

Yoga:

None.

Spontaneous off day.

Physically my practice is excellent. Mentally I’m a bit tired.

Monday, March 2:

It’s 3:24 PM and I still haven’t done yoga. Not sure if I will. I don’t feel compelled to, and I say that in a good way. A short break could be exactly what I need right now. I don’t feel so OCD/ADD when I miss a practice. Anxiety about taking a day off has decreased. Now I feel like I can listen to my body/mind more effectively as to when I should or should not push myself.

Ran a mile with Nathaniel. Good times.

Tuesday, March 3:

Yoga:

1 hour 15 minute practice of Primary Series with Janus.

Not feeling it. Have not been feeling yoga in quite some time.

I biked ~22 miles.

Wednesday, March 4:

Yoga:

None.

Thursday, March 5:

Full Moon!

Friday, March 6:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Planned to do my normal practice. But I am so tight right now. Wow. Not feeling it. I’m going to ease back into things this week, I guess.

Tomorrow: Sun Salutations + full Primary Series practice with Janus.

Sunday: Sun Salutations + full practice with Polina.

Monday: Full practice by myself, up to Upavishta Konasana A & B.

And then we’ll be back.

The Sun Salutations today were pretty good. Nice and sweaty. I feel much better. I woke up at 5:40 AM. I’m getting up at 6 AM every day from now on. No excuses.

This is a huge month from me. No more “not feeling like doing yoga” as an excuse. We’re getting back on track. You’ve had a pretty chill 10 days, Adam. You’ve averaged, like, 3 days of yoga a week. Maybe four. I’m not sure; I’m not going to go back to count, ‘cuz I’m feeling a little guilty.

But until the next New & Full Moon, you are practicing every day. Six and a half days a week. Sun Salutations at the least. No excuses. NONE! Up at 6 AM! Practice by 6:30 – 7! You need this! Let’s do it!

 

February Review:

Astounding! A tremendous amount of knowledge and inspiration discovered, ready to be mined.

After a slow first few days, the following three and a half were purposeful, transformative and healing. I hit six months of sobriety. I met my financial goals. I went through emotional ups and downs that illustrated my growth. I have come so far!

My relationships with friends have never been better. I reach out and spend time with them often. My mind is clear and focused. I re-instituted daily meditation, morning and night, in the second half of the month. It’s a small habit at the moment — just five minutes a day — and not every day are these requirements met, but it’s a valuable start.

All my important habits are becoming more consistent, including writing and sleeping. I am getting back to reading an hour a day most days. I am focused entirely on astrology, as far as reading is concerned, for the next three months, and plan on finishing six books within the next two months. (The first book is almost done. Chances are I will get through six books in five or six weeks! I read like a champ when the material is excellent.)

School is a little shaky. Eating habits are virtually effortless. My physique, health and fitness are approaching elite. I have a ninety-day supply of Onnit products, including Alpha Brain, catapulting my energy into the stratosphere.

I did not make nearly as much ground on cleaning as I intended, but I at least started. We’ll get there.

I discovered many new entreprenurial paths and gained more motivation towards implementing my goals. We will be starting that this month.

March Goals:

There are a number of things, probably a dozen, I am working on implementing, so I am not being too militant about any one thing. Things will come along slowly. I have the entirety of the year to get these things down, I tell myself. Examples: basic programming knowledge, eventually creating two new, profitable blogs; steady writing practice (including poetry); extremely consistent bedtime (9:30 PM, 6:30 AM); complete Primary Series six days a week; independent study/flash cards for astrology, dictionary words, and yoga philosophy; reading an hour a day; cleaning; and a few other things I’m forgetting.

Some of these things are very far along (Primary Series; bedtime), some are familiar (writing, reading), and others need a massive infusion of persistent energy (cleaning, flash cards, programming). That’s okay. I am in love with who I am and where I am.

Monday, March 2:

Lots of math homework. Sigh. That’s what you get for procrastinating.

New phone! First smartphone in three-plus years. First 4G phone ever. Pretty nifty.

Laying out the budgeting for the month. I have the feeling it’s going to be highly profitable.

Have been a bit stressed the past few days with Ashley’s drama bomb, but that’s over and done with. Sleep schedule slightly disrupted. This week we’ll get back on the Ps and Qs.

Friday, March 6:

Up at 5:40 AM. Practice at 6:30.

Check this out:

“Your erratic, immature and inappropriate behavior is absolutely unacceptable and inexcusable to me. Your blatant disrespect has absolutely zero tolerance with me. I’m not the one. I don’t dole out second chances for anyone to disrespect me again once that line has been crossed. You behavior and words crossed the line with me. You don’t deserve an explanation because one, you refuse to acknowledge your behavior and delusional projections and 2, you keep reaching out, talking and insulting me as if this has ANYTHING to do with me. and 3, This and YOU, are not worth another second of my time, if it wasn’t clear enough by refusing to spend another second in the car with you. I find your antagonistic and provoking behavior and your words repulsive. I am unwilling to listen to anymore your asinine negative “assessments” and opinions of me. This is not open to debate. Let me be clear so you understand. THERE IS NO BEING FRIENDS. Do NOT bother me. Do NOT contact me again. Do NOT attempt to approach me, or communicate with me, or send me messages or emails. I fully intend on ignoring you. I think that should be clear enough for you. Do not reply.”

That makes me feel a lot better! Here I am attempting to see the best in someone when the truth is a lot simpler.

Believe someone when they show you who they are. Ashley has shown me she is completely unstable, emotionally damaged, and illogical.

I got off easy! Wow. What a trainwreck. She sounds completely and totally troubled. There’s certainly some mental illness going on here.

I dodged a massive bullet here. Just think about what it takes to go from talking to someone for hours (Monday) and to confessing that they like you, to now demonizing the same person and throwing a massive temper tantrum (Friday). Woah.

This is your brain on drugs.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my emotional life?

I went out for sushi with Ben and Jocelyn yesterday evening. A lot is going on. I enjoyed myself, but… Yeah, Jocelyn is unsatisfied in that relationship. But that’s another story.

I shared what went down with Ashley, and… Ben made a lot of sense. He made a good point: unconsciously it seems like she had expectations of a romantic date. And when that didn’t happen…

It’s all very confusing to me. I don’t understand it at all.

It’s incredibly painful. Why is it so painful? What is being triggered here? What unconscious, childhood patterns?

I wish I didn’t feel so intensely. Cancer Moon. Venus in Scorpio. Yay…

I started talking about how Ashley was so gracious with her time and expertise. How she would call and we would go over charts for seemingly hours. She was so patient and generous.

Can you imagine what it feels like? To find someone who loves something as much as you do? I’d never met anyone who loved astrology as deeply as I have. I’ve never met anyone who I felt loved yoga as deeply as I do. It’s lonely, loving something like that. I share with friends but they don’t understand. I feel like they just humor me.

But she understood. We understood. Astrology is something bigger than life. It’s the higher intelligence of the universe. It’s the most powerful blueprint I’ve ever come across. The greatest pattern recognition tool I’ve ever discovered. It’s timeless.

It hurts so much to think that we can no longer share that. Over what? Over some fucking hurt feelings?

I don’t understand.

The intensity of the emotions Ashley stirred were emotions I have never felt so intensely. A camaraderie. A passion. A shared communal pain. Shared trauma. Something that was so intelligent, that could not be expressed through words. But it was felt quite clearly by both of us.

I don’t know how it sounds to others. Maybe it sounds creepy. Maybe it sounds delusional. I don’t know. I don’t care. But I never felt it in any of my admittedly minimal experience with relationships. With the opposite sex. With the same sex. With anyone. I’d never felt it before.

And now she’s made me feel like I’m the bad guy? Like I did something wrong? What the hell did I do?

All I did was try my damndest to break the cycle. The cycle of addiction, control, manipulation. I promised her I wouldn’t attempt to control her. And I have lived up to that to the fullest extent of my capability.

I failed in one major department: I attempted to direct the relationship towards a romantic avenue. Against her wishes. Subtly, slyly. Using my charm and intelligence.

It was simultaneously conscious and unconscious. And when it became conscious enough that I could no longer ignore it, I told her. I said it aloud.

I figured, Hey, we’re both mature, intelligent human beings. We’re highly sensitive and spiritual. We can feel what’s going on, even if we skirt around the issue.

And now I’m the bad guy. I’m the scapegoat for her string of terrible relationships with the opposite sex.

Whatever. I felt it and I acted on it. I was my best self. I did my best to remain true to myself and true to her at the same time.

Her behavior feels immensely immature. It’s like Caitlin all over again. A massive trigger of all things Caitlin.

It’s terrifying. It’s scary. To see the worst of someone…

And now it feels like I’m alone again. Astrology and yoga. No one understands. It’s just left to me to pursue my loves to the best of my ability. Share them with nobody but myself.

That’s not how it is in objective reality, but that’s sure how it feels emotionally.

I refuse to just blame her. She’s much better than this. Whatever she’s going through, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Dark forces, STS forces, are attacking her. She is vulnerable and they are feasting on her energy.

Why is she a target? Because of her incredible potential. The same reason I’m a target. Anyone who is a threat for greatness, for conscious awareness, for concerted spiritual effort and attainment, is a target of the highest order.

I’ll be just fine. Eventually. But right now it is important I feel this. Feel it. Completely and totally. And this too shall pass.

As I started talking about the relationship between astrology Ashley and I shared, I started sobbing, almost uncontrollably, at the dinner table. People looking at me. Waitresses getting me napkins. Ben and Jocelyn just listening. Allowing me to go on.

I’m sobbing now.

It fucking sucks. All I want to do is call her and talk about The Luminaries. About progressions. Transits. Look at our charts again. Discover.

The Twelve Houses came today. The Inner Planets is already here. There’s so much to discover.

It sucks.

She won’t talk to me. She’s ignoring me, blocking me. Whatever. I’ve already looked desperate enough, I guess. From one perspective. I have kept my cool. I vent here. I vent with friends. I vent through music. That’s about it.

But I don’t really give a fuck what she or anyone else thinks, including you, reader. This is something intensely personal. Intensely subjective. You have no idea.

I try to heal and love myself, love myself through my loves. And what feels like a massive setback happens. It puts things into perspective. I don’t give a fuck about the significant material gains I’ve made. I don’t give a fuck about the worthless sex I’ve had and can continue to have. I don’t give a fuck about the cheap power struggles between friends and ex-friends.

All I really want is love, to be shared.

I would’ve sacrificed quite a bit just for us to remain friends and connect through astrology. Now she hates me? Am I even so special as to be hated? How odd.

I wish I never made such a mistake. I would’ve been perfectly content in a menage-a-trois of Ashley, astrology and me. It feels like I blew a major opportunity.

I’m so sick of having desires.

For the first time in what feels like a long time (although it’s really only been six weeks), I miss Caitlin.

I can’t even bring myself to write down my goals for the month, to begin my activity/food/journal log for the month.

-.-

Hmm. So what happened between you and Ashley, Adam?

First: context.

We meet three weeks ago and instantly click. Kick it on Valentine’s Day as each other’s Valentine. Spontaneous, light-hearted Valentines, but Valentines all the same. Later that day she shares she’s not ready for a relationship.

Mixed signals ensue over the next couple of weeks. We spend a lot of time talking and texting, at least five hours a week. I am flirtatious, complimentary and charming. She is cautiously receptive. We inspire each other and share our gifts.

Earlier this week, Monday I believe, I bring these mixed signals up. She says I have a good point.

Distress is triggered for each of us but more so for her. We decide to cancel our Friday plans. I apologize for putting pressure on her; in hindsight I realize I was attempting to define our relationship, subtly undermining her own honest expression that she is not ready for one. Nevertheless, she says I have nothing to apologize for.

Later that night/morning, we end up texting for 4-5 hours, all through the morning. Intimate but almost entirely non-sexual texting.

Later that day she re-instates our Friday plans.

Later that night she confesses that she likes me, but that it makes her feel unsafe to do so. She mentions various issues she has. I calmly and reasonably agree. I say no matter what happens — being careful not to say “relationship” or anything like that — we need to go very slowly.

She is admittedly moody during this exchange, saying a number of odd things: she’s jealous, possessive, insecure, and distrustful of men; she has a secret means of income. I don’t overreact and go with the flow. Yes, I’m aware you have issues; I’m not naive. I accept your flaws. I’m not asking you to tell me about your finances; tell me when/if you’re ready to.

The implications of a relationship are there — I am excessively affectionate, sending a “thinking of you =p” before heading to bed — but I am doing my best to show restraint. I’m uneasy about us hanging out on Friday; I’m also uneasy about her total about face. I expect her to push me away soon.

The next day (Wednesday) I wake up and feel uneasy. This soon grows into intense anxiety. Ashley later texts me and says we just need to be friends, but refuses to go into much detail or talk on the phone. I tell her, “Hmm. I feel like you’re pushing me away.” I agree that we need to just be friends; I don’t like the direction this is going, either. I am nonetheless hurt, however, and I feel like she is being insensitive.

After a bit of touch-and-go, she says she needs space. Works for me. I assume this means we’re not going to hang out Friday.

On Thursday I tell her I’m ready to push the reset button and start over as friends. We chat astrology and things seem pretty normal. We talk later and decide we will go through with our Friday plans. We’re both pretty excited.

We meet in Long Beach on Friday and head to the beach for yoga. The energy is awkward and I am admittedly moody, feeling pensive, contemplative and introverted. I am disturbed because there are underlying issues I want to address. I feel it is important to have an open, honest and vulnerable talk about what went down this week. But I can feel that she has no interest in that, so I suppress my feelings and emotions and live up to our promise to be friends.

I lead us through an hour long yoga and meditation session. We chill at the beach and the energy seems good. I’m perking up but am still a little moody.

We drive to get something to eat and stop at Whole Foods. Now my energy is back and I feel like myself again!

We park at the strip mall in the restaurant. I make a flippant comment that offends her. At first I laugh it off, but she is seriously offended, so I stop, apologize and ask if she wants to talk about it. Things quickly escalate: she says she’s been annoyed by me all day, that she can’t tolerate my volatile mood swings. I correct her and call her out on her own moody behavior this week. She storms out of the car and walks away. I am wondering what the hell is going on; should I leave? I feel my emotions exploding but I calm myself down and approach her. I ask if she’d like to get dropped off; she agrees.

Before we leave, I attempt to talk about things one last time. She blames me for lingering, for not walking promptly or briskly enough to whatever it is we’re going to do (in this case, eat at the restaurant). It is obvious there are much bigger issues at play.

I finally come clean and tell her that I’m upset that we haven’t talked about our unresolved issues. I lay out her own moodiness and ask if she wants to have a conversation about it. She says no. I give up and ask her how to get to her house. She curtly tells me to drop her off at her friend’s house. I say I’m not going to get ordered around, and politely ask her to rephrase it and ask for permission. She refuses and volunteers to get out on the side of the road; I oh-so-happily acquiesce. Before she leaves I hold her drink hostage and tell her she will need to apologize for her behavior before we have anything to do with each other.

I drop her things off at her house and send her a couple of text messages. Yes, I am intensely attracted to you. That said, I only wanted what was best for you. I am hurt that it looks like we won’t even get to be friends, but I will heal. You’re obviously going through a lot and I wish you the best. I forgive you and don’t take your actions personally. Whenever, however, you want me in your life — even if it’s not at all — I’ll be here for you. Until then, I’ll give you space. Peace.

My biggest mistake was flirting and inserting any hint of romance into our relationship once she made it clear she was not ready for a relationship. To that end I take most of the responsibility and I will never make that mistake again.

We still could have worked through these issues, and who knows, maybe we will. Obviously with her unstable behavior I am not interested in any kind of relationship with her at the time. Maybe one day we can be friends, however.

I suspect she was threatened by unexpectedly finding a man she really liked. But she knew the timing was wrong and was having trouble coming to grips with everything. I don’t particularly understand her behavior on Friday; I exercised much restraint and just tried to have a good time. I did not flirt at all. I was platonic and friendly.

It’s not like we ever had sex. We never even held hands. Physically we were never intimate. Not sure what the big deal was.

It’s unfortunate because we would have made excellent friends. I would teach her yoga and meditation; she would teach me astrology and Tarot. We inspired each other and brought out a lot of the best in each.

It’s hard not to blame myself for being too impatient and looking for a romantic relationship when one wasn’t there. I am regrouping, taking my lessons on the chin, and moving on stronger and wiser. I hope she does the same.

Ashley, if you read this, I hope I’ll see you at the Meetup next month. We’ll be cordial and polite and that will be that. It would be a shame we allowed any residual tension or anxiety to impinge on our shared passions.

I apologize. I realize my mistakes and lessons. I moved way too fast and, despite my best efforts to avoid controlling and manipulating you, I unconsciously acted these dramas out by inserting subtle romantic and sexual tension.

It won’t happen again, either with you or the next one. Wish you the best.

I’ve been expecting you.

What the hell is going on?

All I know is I really liked you, Ashley. I wish I didn’t. I haven’t ever liked anyone as much as I like you.

If I didn’t, maybe the pain wouldn’t be so great.

I felt like we were doing just fine, until…

Until you constricted the flow of energy. Out of fear.

You like me. What is wrong with that? I don’t get it. Chances are you really like me. We clicked, totally and thoroughly.

Sense of humor? Check. Physical attraction? Check. Similar passions? Similar life philosophy? Lifestyles? Check. Check. Check.

Something scared you. You pulled back and closed yourself off. And then you blamed me?

What did I do?

Not to imply I didn’t do anything. It takes two to tango. But what happened to the Ashley and Adam that talked things out with honesty and vulnerability?

You’re going through a lot. You’re emotionally unstable. Something, or things, is/are going on in your life that you’re terrified of showing me.

That’s okay. I have secrets, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities too.

Maybe your childhood and parental traumas haunt you. That’s the most sense I make of it. You’ve experienced severe trauma. I empathize. So have I.

But I’m not the enemy. I symbolize and trigger things inside you. That’s normal. You do the same for me.

The only thing I expect from you, or anyone else, is to be real. Honest and communicative. That’s it.

I’m confused as to why you so abruptly cut off the energy. Your mood-swings are puzzling. One night you’re telling me you like me, yet also telling me how awful you are. You push me away one moment and then open up and share vulnerabilities for hours on end. You bring up things but then say you don’t want to talk about them.

You even projected your mood swings onto me. I am not excessively moody. I am balanced and reasonable. When I am off-kilter, I am able to explore and, eventually, identify the causes and take the necessary steps towards therapeutic healing.

I can’t concern myself about what I can’t control. What it boils down to iais that your actions today are not the actions of a friend.

I forgive you. I have empathy for what you are going through. I do not take them personally.

But I am not responsible for your emotions, Ashley. You are.

I have been thoughtful, honest and sensitive. When you expressed dissatisfaction or felt offended, I apologized for my role and attempted to find a middle ground. I’m sure I have offended and annoyed you at times; that’s life. It’s how we deal with them that determines our character.

I have only respected you, putting aside my feelings for what are your best interests.

Today was not acceptable. I felt mistreated and abused and I will not tolerate such an influence in my life. I accepted and loved you and, in return, I feel judged, manipulated and accused.

I wish you the best of luck in your self-development. Hopefully I’ll see you at the astrology meetups and at the conference in May. It would be a tremendous disservice to yourself to allow anything to get in the way of your love for astrology, so please remain true to your passion.

But until I receive an apology and we have an honest, vulnerable conversation, there will not be any further contact with you beyond cordial politeness if/when we ever again run into each other’s company.

Peace & Namaste.

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