The last 48 hours… !
Fights. Make-ups. Stress. Purge. Crying. Elation. Insight. Clarity. Fatigue. Flexibility. Confidence. Grief. Anxiety. Judgment.
The full spectrum of human experience. Where to begin?
Day 4 has just begun. Right now I am fatigued, yes, but also focused and quietly energetic. There is a little hunger, but not much. An odd sense of relaxation, of peace and tranquility, has begun to set in.
The love and I have spent almost every second of the past 24 hours together. Driving to San Diego. Seeing clients. Marketing.
San Diego is great, as always, but we had no time to explore it. A shame.
We got her EBT situated, which is certainly a blessing and comfort. Readying for the next 24 hours, which promise to be quite busy. Work is picking up!
Insight wise? Where to begin? I need to have a pen and pad with me at all times. I just had an insight not less than 15 minutes ago, yet have now forgotten.
The details… I cannot do the details justice at the moment. Fights centered around social dynamics with Ben. Communication issues: communicating without judging the other person, or victimizing the self. Moody and temperamental, thanks to the purge.
We’re exercising every day. Me more than her, when you add in my biking and yoga and running. Yet her tenacity is inspiring! In the past month she’s gone from exercising maybe 1-3 times a week to, this week, exercising — some way, shape or form — every day. Monday was lifting and Ruthless. Tuesday and Wednesday: Ruthless. Today: Running. Tomorrow: Ruthless. Saturday: probably lifting. Sunday: Off.
I’m champing at the bit to exercise more. I want to lift two times a week. I want to be at an hour of yoga a day already. I want the perfect body. I want to gain 5-10 pounds of lean, rock hard muscle. I want 2-3 months of consistent, high-quality food intake and exercise. Discipline. Exceptional discipline.
But it all takes time. Easy there. Some days better than others. This week, for example, has not been good for school. I’m skipping my online class this week. I will have to study hard the next week to make up for it. This weekend start on psychology. 2-4 hours and start the catch-up process. Next week, prepare for anthropology test. Read through the book this weekend. Go through it again, beginning on Monday, and start jotting things down and making flash cards.
I will not settle for anything less than an A in all three classes!
It’s a lot to balance.
Sometimes I break down. I did the other day, yelling and screaming at my love. Embarrassing. Humiliating. Ashamed. No one should ever be treated like that. It has happened too often. We do tend to fight a lot.
Our fights, compared to when they first started, back in Chico — oh man! Who’s calling the cops?! — are mild. We can still be — usually — civil during our tensions. We are quick to make up. We, for the most part, do not push issues under the rug. We apologize often. We forgive often. We joke about it often.
But still. I love her too much to put her through this.
The cleanse is not easy. This is her first one. She wants to do at least a week. Me? It feels like it’s been years since I’ve done this, but it’s only been 20 months.
It’s not an excuse, just an explanation. The irritability. We knew going in it would be a struggle. We would have to be strong. No joking about what food would be good to eat. Being positive. Aware not to pick at each other.
That fight aside, for the most part we’ve been very good at it. We’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress. We’re handling it with aplomb so far. We are seeing rewards now, and the real fruit shall be consumed months down the line.
This is only touching the surface. The real issues are deeper. Depression. My father. Astrology. Dependency. Separation.
But it’s a start. Let’s go!