September Review:

Flawless victory.

Ate out four times. Had relatively healthful meals each time. Coconut soup, sweet and sour pineapple rice and chicken (white rice; sugary sauce but I went light on it; cheap chicken, assuredly); quinoa chicken stew; some funky egg and potato batter thing-a-majig (it was Peruvian); chicken burrito from Chipotle (no hot sauce, sour cream, lettuce or corn; just tomato, chicken, black beans, brown rice, tearing off a non-insignificant part of the white flour tortilla).

I almost forgot: me and Caitlin had Handel’s Ice Cream. We split four scoops.

Gorged on peanut butter and banana but decided to take two weeks off of it. Four more days and the two weeks are up. Have replaced it with tuna. My taste buds are not as happy but my energy has increased substantially as a result. Blood sugar levels stabilized. No matter what I will incorporate more tuna and less PB & B.

Making a point to eat mixed nuts three times a week. Had been one or, max, two times. Am noticing substantial difference in energy and blood sugar when I have it more often.

Things I have every day and so don’t write them down:

Organic Moringa, 1/2 to full teaspoon

Organic Spirulina, two teaspoons

Organic Chlorella, 15 tablets

Shilajit, about the size of one or, maybe two, grains of rice)

Organic red maca powder, 1/2 to full teaspoon

Organic Apple Cider Vinegar (Braggs), two full teaspoons (roughly)

I also tend to put the following things in my meals and so don’t write them down:

Oatmeal: peanut butter; pumpkin, sunflower, chia and poppy seeds; walnut and pecan; cinnamon (organic); cardamom; 3-4 fruits (typically a combination of strawberry, blueberry, mango, apple, cranberry, kiwi, peaches, or whatever else is in season); coconut milk (unsweetened)

Eggs: onion, tomato (organic), avocado, potato (organic); chia and poppy seed; some combination of turmeric, garlic powder, pepper, Kosher salt, or paprika

Juice: carrots, beets, celery, kale, lemon, ginger, tomato, squash or cucumber, grapefruit, broccoli, apple, kiwi. Most is organic, sometimes it’s not. Depends what’s on sale, what my budget is, etc.

Protein shake: Phood, PlantFusion, Superfood extract, coconut milk (unsweetened)

Yes, I am OCD. Welcome to my world.

Wednesday, October 1:

AM:

steel-cut oatmeal

~40 oz fresh fruit/veggie juice

PM:

4 eggs, Omega-3 farm fresh (not organic, however); veggies, 1/2 large avocado

protein shake

four slices of tuna

Thursday, October 2:

AM:

protein shake

steel-cut oatmeal

4 eggs, 1/2 large avocado

PM:

whole wheat pasta, chicken, tomato sauce, 1/2 avocado

mixed nuts w/ cranberries

leftover Chinese fried rice & chicken with forbidden rice thrown in

Still healthy, all things considered. Not much fried rice, maybe 1/6 a cup. Maybe. Chicken was solid, although I’m sure cheap as hell.

Friday, October 3:

AM:

Breakfast at BC Cafe (was treated): chicken, avocado, pico de gallo, potatoes, bell peppers, onions

This counts for two servings. It was large. It was quite tasty, although the chicken was clearly overcooked and dry. Despite all of this food, however, I am still hungry…

PM:

protein shake

1/8 of the mixed nuts leftover from yesterday

Thursday, October 9:

The last week:

Mostly normal. Had chicken nachos today. Naughty things were cheese, sour cream, white flour tortilla, grease.

Other than that, while I have been eating out for 4-6 meals, they have all been reasonable. Shrimp fried rice. Shrimp pho. Shrimp fried rice again. Chicken noodle soup (but it was more like ramen -.-). Seafood soup. Damn, I have been eating out a lot. Thin-crust gluten-free pizza. Chicken, veggies, pineapple.

The key is avoiding sugar. Have been doing that. Everything else is whatever. I’m not perfect.

Other than that my meals have been typical. PB & B is back. Granola. Lots of granola. And so on.

Friday & Saturday:

Sushi, fried rice, orange chicken, salmon Friday. PB & banana and the rest of granola. Pretty much it.

Don’t feel like eating today (Saturday, 3 PM).

Sunday and Monday:

Big salad. Nuts. Peanut butter and banana.

Don’t need much food. Simplify, simplify.

Wednesday, October 15:

I s’pose I’ve been slipping up. Kind of sort of. All home-cooked, natural meals, but I have not been consuming my typical spirulina/PlantFusion/the others listed at the top of this entry. I haven’t been eating much of anything, apparently, as I stepped on the scale and saw I had lost eight pounds.

That’s probably inaccurate. The scale shows fluctuations in my weight on the range of 2-3 pounds all the time. Not that I weigh myself all the time, although I used to!

Energy and motivation is slowly coming back. Had a nice breakfast/lunch this morning of eggs, chicken, tomato, bell peppers on the grill from BC Cafe.

I’ve had beans and rice and beans the past few days. One or two PB & B. Three eggs. I really haven’t been eating much. Protein shake yesterday. Watermelon. Some cantaloupe. That’s about it, honestly.

Note to self: no more orange chicken. It just doesn’t do it for me anymore.

Thursday, October 16:

Still not eating much. Had mixed nuts and spaghetti today. That’s it. That’s not enough, Adam! Lol.

Friday, October 17:

Had more spaghetti yesterday PM. And a protein shake.

Eggs, protein shake, PB & banana (one slice) today. Left the Ezekiel on the counter and it predictably went moldy within a day or two. Finally bought more today so PB & B is back.

Just realized I forgot granola. Since work is going well I can afford to buy all the groceries I want. I’m not going to stress about meaningless things such as not making and eating tuna. I’m just going to eat what I want, which is typically granola, steel-cut oatmeal and PB & B.

Saturday, October 18:

Granola, eggs, protein shake, PB & banana, Chipotle chicken burrito

Sunday, October 19:

protein shake, PB & banana, eggs, granola

September Review:

(Re-)laid down groundwork. Family issues come to light. Productive. Business opportunities. Read three books. Caught up in school. Blah blah blah.

Wednesday, October 1:

Not going to lie: Richard Dolan’s UFOs and the National Security State is dry. I’m halfway through and need a break. Will read David McGowan’s Weird Scenes Inside the Canyon: Laurel Canyon, Covert Ops & The Dark Heart of the Hippie Dream. Fascinating stuff so far.

Monthly astrology happenings will come tomorrow or Friday.

Running late on things. Will add September Review later.

Thursday, October 2:

Monthly Horoscope: Sagittarius

The Sun

Until October 23rd:

The Sun continues to put a spotlight on your solar eleventh house. During this cycle, you are planting seeds for the future, dreaming up plans that you might begin to develop two months down the road, if they still seem viable then. You are more aware of the benefits of networking, and you might find some great ideas through others now. You might be working in a team now. You could be questioning some of the rules you have been living by and you could be ready to try something totally new. You are more attracted to that which is progressive or unconventional during this cycle.

This is a continuation from September 22nd, where it was said this illuminates friends, groups and dreams.

Certainly planting seeds, seeds based in discipline, routine and commitment. Financial. Professional. Educational.

Am making more of a social effort. Not much more, however. Certainly questioning the old and creating new. Paring down possessions/commitments and deciding what I do and don’t want.

From October 23rd forward:

The Sun travels through your twelfth house now, marking a time of retreat and regeneration. Think about the attachments you have–to things, people, and routines–and consider which ones are dragging you down. This is a time when competitive energies and the ego are on a bit of a break. It’s not the time to push ahead with brand new projects. Rather, it’s a time of reflection, dreaming, and recharging your batteries. Situations that have naturally outgrown their usefulness in your life can now be put behind you. Endings of natural cycles may be part of the picture at this time of year. Your energy is largely applied to personal and private affairs now. Your disposition is introspective. Rest and reflect, and prepare for a more outgoing cycle when the Sun moves into your first house.

Understood.

Eclipses

A Lunar Eclipse Occurs on October 8th:

A general rule of thumb regarding eclipses is to avoid major decision-making in the week before and after an eclipse. This is because new information that could change our perspective often is revealed in the week after the eclipse. There is absolutely no need to suspend projects already in progress. Essentially, it’s better to take in right now–to observe and get in touch with feelings.

This Lunar Eclipse stimulates your solar fifth house. Surprises coming from a romantic partner or child may be part of the picture. Something that has been brewing or “in hiding” comes to light, or there is a significant fruition or culmination. Your house of creativity, romance, pleasure, and children is involved. This could manifest, for example, as a romantic proclamation from a lover, a creative project bearing fruit, a child revealing something significant to you, and other such possibilities.

A Solar Eclipse Occurs on October 23rd:

The Solar Eclipse marks a new beginning for you. Letting go of the past is necessary in order to move forward. This eclipse occurs in your solar twelfth house. This indicates a new approach to the ways you handle your inner world, the ways you compassionately serve others, and the manner in which you handle guilt. This is a period of review, letting go, and recharging your spiritual and, in effect, physical “batteries”. Focus, now, is on fulfillment through service, empathy, and awareness of other’s needs; but it can also be a time of withdrawal and some sort of retreat in a social sense, depending on your personal and natural predisposition. Some kind of soul-searching is in order, and the urge to find some level of emotional peace of mind will be apparent. These themes will be with you for the next six months.

Exciting! The “withdrawal and retreat” coincides with the Sun in my solar twelfth, too. Six months?!

Venus

Until October 23rd:

Venus continues to move through your solar eleventh house. This is a strong time for putting your ego aside and lowering your defenses and simply enjoying people. It’s a good time for networking and settling disputes if there are differences to iron out with friends. Cooperation comes easily, and warm friendships can be made during this cycle. Personal freedom is especially important to you right now, and you won’t enjoy any associations that limit you. It can also be a good time for earnings from business.

It has been good for earnings so far and promises to remain that way. Have been meaning to see Gil and talk to Joe, and Andy. I feel two opposing forces: one motivating me to do so and another that couldn’t care less. They are meeting in the middle, resulting in inertia.

From October 23rd forward:

Venus is spending some time in “hibernation” in your privacy sector. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that your love life is stagnant, but that your affection is expressed behind closed doors. Attraction to secrets and whispers characterize this period, although for some, it can also be a time of endings, relationship concerns, and wistfulness. Personal and social contacts may be secretive, and there can be secret love affairs, or at least very private love feelings and longings. Shyness can lead to some loneliness or romantic frustration. However, this can also be a deliciously private and intimate time.

Continuing the them eof withdrawal.

Mercury

Mercury is retrograde from October 4-25:

All Mercury retrograde cycles particularly affect you in terms of communications with bosses or in your career in general, as well as communications with a close partner, because Mercury rules these areas of your life. An argument over joint finances can also get you into hot water. Hold back. Because Virgo and Gemini are on the angles of your chart, you may be especially sensitive to all of the common Mercury Retrograde issues.

Occurring in your solar eleventh and twelfth houses this time, your instinctual judgment may be compromised, and extra care should be used when communicating with friends. You may find that communications with friends or with groups can easily get sticky. Group meetings may be postponed or cancelled, and friends may be uncommunicative or giving off mixed signals.

Weee…

On the other hand, old acquaintances may appear during this cycle. You may find that you are less able to rely on your intuition. Perhaps you’re picking up the wrong cues or reading too much into situations. Whatever the case may be, for the time being, you may not feel that your intuition is serving you well. Be as non- judgmental as you can, but do keep an eye out for deceptiveness and falseness in others. It would be wise to be especially clear when it comes to communicating with friends and co-workers during this cycle; or, better yet, take this time to rethink concerns and grievances before talking about them prematurely.

Mars

Mars continues to activate your solar first house, supplying you with added energy to apply towards personal goals, and a more assertive and direct approach to the world in general. This is an excellent period for physical training and exercise of any kind.

This I completely and totally feel. Great energy. Assertive and direct indeed.

The desire to be self-sufficient and independent is especially strong now. You are far less tolerant of being restricted by or dependent on others, and this is a good time to identify your personal strengths and to take positive action to rectify situations that may have previously felt frustrating or repressive. You might be especially attracted to personal challenges, and seeing just how far you can push. However, be careful not to push yourself (and others) too far.

Certainly taking strong action to gain more independence. Get out of debt and get a good car.

I’m also tired of not living up to my health and fitness. When I look back on the only reason I’m not where I am… drug and addiction, plain and simple. Cut that out and I will get there. I have never been more determined.

From October 26th forward:

Mars energizes your solar second house. You have more energy at your disposal to make money, but also to defend your values. This can be a very resourceful time, when you make the most of what you have. You have much energy for new money-making projects, or for stepping up existing ones. You may be over-identifying with what you have and own, and you could be trying to prove yourself (your worth) to others using money and possessions as the means to do so. If conflicts occur during this transit, they are likely to be over issues of ownership. This is a time when impulse buying is at a peak. You probably should avoid using credit right now, simply because your spending habits may be excessive and impulsive.

Sweet! Money money money! I am normally quite good at avoiding impulse buying. Not too worried about that.

Libra:

The Sun

Until October 13th:

The Sun continues to shine its light on your solar twelfth house. This is the time to listen to your intuition, to take a break from the hectic pace of your life, and to reflect on what you have learned in the past year. You might naturally retreat a little and take more private time for yourself now. Your physical energy levels may not be up to par for the time being, and this is your body signalling you to take a break. This is not an ideal time for pushing forward with new personal projects and plans. It is better to finish up projects and tie up loose ends now.

Mars is giving me the physical energy needed, but this helps explain the mixed feelings with regards to fatigue and holding back on the throttle. I feel no urge to push myself, just to get back to where I was in preparation for pushing myself in the future.

Things have been much more private than social, which is why the Sagittarius Sun one was odd. Competing influences. As I have shut down old social influences — sub-optimal ones — I have gradually geared up for new ones, but mostly I’ve just been recharging and reflecting on those old ones.

From October 13th forward:

The Sun illuminates your first house now, bringing issues surrounding your personal identity, appearance, outward behavior, and self-expression to the forefront. This marks the peak of your physical solar cycle, and you are in the position to make an impression on others, and to assert your personal influence. Spontaneity of expression is what this transit is about. You are ready to put your past behind you and to start a new personal cycle. You have presence and you project confidence. Increased energy and a renewed feeling of confidence is with you now, so take advantage. It’s a great month to do something entirely new and pioneering—to go solo in some area of your life.

A Lunar Eclipse Occurs on October 8th:

This Lunar Eclipse stimulates your solar sixth house. Surprises surrounding work, working relationships, daily routines, or health issues are in store. Something that has been “in hiding” or brewing under the surface of things comes to light, or there is a significant fruition or culmination. Flaws come to light and demand a clean-up.

A Solar Eclipse Occurs on October 23rd:

The Solar Eclipse marks a new beginning for you. Letting go of the past is necessary in order to move forward. This eclipse occurs in your solar first house, suggesting a new approach to your personal life, the manner in which you come across to others, and the way you assert yourself.

Venus

Until October 15th:

Venus continues to transit through your solar twelfth house now. The twelfth house is a sector of endings, privacy, and mental health, and with Venus here, it’s possible that you are reviewing your feelings for someone, or enjoying a more private love life for the time being. You may not be open with your affections for whatever reason now, and this shouldn’t be a problem—it may be difficult to articulate, verbalize, or intellectualize your feelings for the time being. Doing some soul-searching as well as an enhanced ability to perceive other dimensions in love can lead you to a deeper understanding of your own love needs and possibly of a love relationship. Love might involve some form of sacrifice or simply a lot of giving and lending of support as opposed to receiving during this cycle.

I have certainly been less affectionate since this cycle hit. Reviewing feelings is spot-on.

From October 15th forward:

You could find it hard to deny yourself anything during this cycle! This is a time when you naturally let loose your softer, receptive side. Romantic matters, as well as pleasure-seeking activities, come to the fore now. You are more likely to pay closer attention to your physical appearance and mannerisms, aiming to improve and enhance your attractiveness. Others find you especially agreeable and cooperative. You are more gracious, well-behaved (superficial if you are not careful!), and likeable now. Take advantage!

:)

Mercury

Mercury is retrograde from October 4-25:

All Mercury retrograde cycles particularly affect you in terms of communications involving legal affairs, travel, and education, as well as communications about the past, because Mercury rules these areas of your life. With Virgo ruling your twelfth house sector, somebody might be deceiving you or working against you, or nagging issues from the past may crop up and demand attention. Put off making solid travel plans if possible.

Occurring in your solar twelfth and first houses this time, extra care should be exercised when it comes to body language and intuition. Others may misinterpret your body language, and you should be aware of a tendency to give off mixed signals. People in your life may complain that you seem emotionally distant.

This is a time to review the manner in which you come across to others–not so much whether it truly reflects your nature, but more in terms of whether it is working for or against you.

Mars

Mars continues to energize your solar second house. You tend to put more effort into making money or making your life more comfortable and secure during this cycle. Your strong desire to be financially independent could lead to positive things, such as paying off debts or increased enterprise.

Spot-on here.

You are more protective of the way you earn or spend money, as well as with the values you live your life by, and if others question you about these things, there could be arguments.

Fortunately no one’s questioning anything =P.

From October 12th forward:

Mars animates and energizes your solar third house now. You are likely to have many ideas and plans going during this transit, and you might be inclined to scatter your energies as a result. Channelled well, however, this is a good time to sell your ideas to others, or to present your case in some manner.

You may be especially busy running errands and communicating with others now. More articulate than usual, you may also have a more assertive, self-centered, or provocative communication style at this time. As such, discussions might more readily become heated or they might escalate into arguments.

If this is the case, it’s likely because you are taking things very personally right now, or because you are over-identifying with your beliefs and ideas. A tendency to be impatient or impulsive while driving or while performing manual tasks, generally with the hands, may lead to accidents, so it’s wise to be careful on the road or while operating machinery or even using scissors!

This is an excellent time for working on intellectual tasks with more vigor and passion.

Overview:

You’re especially desirable much of the month with Venus traveling through your sign, dear Libra, calling attention to your more appealing qualities. Even so, with Mercury retrograde in your sign often concurrently in October, you are holding part of yourself back. People are drawn to you despite your detachment, and in some cases, partly because of it!

This is not necessarily about starting new relationships – it’s more about attracting people’s attention and exploring how this makes you feel. Personal influence is strong for many astrological reasons, including the fact that your ruler, Venus, is traveling close to the Sun most of the month, and often while both bodies are in your sign.

The 5-10 is a powerful period in which you can stimulate important changes, particularly in or regarding a partnership. There may be make-or-break energy in a significant relationship at this time.

The 7-8 can stimulate a stand-off or something/someone standing in your way. Communications fields open up new opportunities for you. Your ideas are progressive and exciting. Friendships can blossom. You’re discovering or rediscovering interests, hobbies, and areas of study.

There could be a significant meeting with someone from your past on the 19-22. The last week of the month begins a power period for making and managing your money, talents, personal possessions, assets, and business. Creative and artistic pursuits can thrive, but so can more technical areas, with some creativity.

Another great move to look forward to!

Worth noting the shift in perspective from this compared to Goro Adachi. He’s basically expecting gloom-and-doom from the 12th onward.

Friday, October 3:

Productive.

Thursday, October 9:

What’s up, Adam?

Have been sick since Monday. And last weekend Caitlin came over, of course. That’s why I haven’t been updating this much.

Lots of things going on. But I haven’t exercised, fo reel fo reel, since Tuesday. Brief yoga Sunday (I was coming down with the sickness then but did not realize it; energy was quite low), two-mile run Monday; soon after the symptoms became quite prominent. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday bedridden.

Friday back to the program. Yoga.

Saturday, October 11:

The will-he-or-won’t-he saga is over. Broke up with Caitlin. About time, jeez.

Why did I stay in the relationship for so long? That’s what I ask myself.

Co-dependency.

She’s just soooo immature. Finally got tired of martyring myself.

Last Sunday we (and Gil) went to Pagan Pride. I had a spirit release healing done. It was incredible. This week has been tremendously healing. I credit a lot of my ability to break free from this relationship to that.

I feel so much freer. Wow. At least it was just eight months. It took me eight months to learn my lesson. So draining. She was incredibly draining.

Not to sound like I’m just blaming her or whatever. I’m just being honest. She’s mind-numbingly selfish. In many ways it was like going out with myself at age 22. Karma.

In the end she hated/hates herself and loves to play the victim. She doesn’t believe she can do anything. My Captain Save-a-Ho routine is over with. I’ll never do that again, mark my words. People make their own bed and must lie in it.

Now I can begin to heal. Analyze. Reflect. Meditate.

I gave her so much energy I deprived myself. No more. I will do my best to make sure I never do that again.

It is painful letting go. But worth it. I have let go of almost all my friends. Because they were built on a house of cards, on co-dependent relationships. That’s why I don’t talk to you, Joe. Can’t be around addicts. I need to heal. I don’t want to be friends with anyone who plays Smash, or any video game, obsessively. I don’t want to be friends with anyone who uses drugs.

I’m losing my friendship with Andy. That is painful. But it is for the best. He is an addict. He can’t even talk about it. He hasn’t addressed the things I brought up in my e-mail at all. We talked last week. First time I ever felt disconnected from him.

I don’t want any of you as friends. I am no longer attracted to you. This healing was a culmination. It was like a light switch had been flipped, although it was a long time coming. And the eclipses, and Mercury retrograde. I’m grateful.

Did I write that I’m ready to drop weight lifting? Well, maybe once every two weeks. It’s hard for me to let go. But for this month, at least, no weight lifting. Just yoga. I need to heal. Yoga yoga yoga.

I feel so free! I can flirt, I can do whatever. Tease, seduce. Revel in my hard-earned sexuality. In my attractiveness.

I’m proud of myself that I didn’t cheat on her, didn’t abuse her. (We both cheated early on in our relationship but forgave each other, moved on, and never did it again.) Loved her as much as I could. I did leave her better than I found her. There’s no doubt about that. I’m not perfect but I was stronger than I thought possible. I leave stronger as well.

This had been coming for a long time. I stayed with her for too long due to false sense of pride, loyalty and commitment. In my humble opinion she needs to avoid romantic relationships and work on herself.

I doubt she will. She’s all kinds of fucked up. I’m just glad it’s no longer my problem. Maybe one day we can be friends, but for now I want nothing to do with her.

What an excellent yoga practice today. Added a new pose. It’s been a few weeks since I have. Was scared. But my practice was even stronger than I left it. I really was just sick (physically).

Now Tatiana is proposing a threesome relationship. Wow. Do I need to make my journal private? Lol.

I have not met Tatiana. Only heard about her through Caitlin and we have been texting for the past day. I barely even know what she looks like. Kind of scandalous, right?

But we clearly have a connection. She’s bright. Legitimately bright. Articulate.

There will be no blogs on the last three or four books I’ve read. Just want to keep reading. When I have the energy and motivation I’ll do it again. Feel like it’s work, though, so I want to let it go for now.

The next four books:

The Way of the Pilgrim (no author; it’s obviously translated by somebody but LA County Library doesn’t say who on their website)
Brian Bates – The Human Face
Ray Kurzweil – The Singularity is Near
James Gleick – The Information

Monday, October 13:

Do actual people read this or is it all spam? I’ve been averaging ~1500 views a month the past two years but I’m starting to wonder if that’s 90% spam.

On Sunday I met Tatiana. To be honest I have never felt such deep attraction to someone. She is poised and measured. I later remarked to her that she is like an adult version of Caitlin.

Oh the complications. Looks like we’ve a love triangle here. Sunday was sort of a “test run” for the three of us.

Caitlin and Tatiana seem okay with it but I am not. I’m okay with Caitlin as a friend but that’s it. I love her but I am not in love with her.

Tatiana is the most alluring and intriguing woman I have ever come across, yet she is also deeply disturbing. The fact that she is so interested in Caitlin romantically is a huge red flag that I shall not ignore.

If I had the ability to wave a magic wand, I would choose to date Tatiana and Tatiana alone. Would remain friends with Caitlin and Tatiana would as well.

If Tatiana wants to date Caitlin, I am not romantically interested in Tatiana. This is the most likely scenario.

If Caitlin cannot handle Tatiana and I dating whilst remaining  friends, I would not want to date Tatiana.

If Tatiana would date me but  cheat on me with Caitlin, I would not want to date Tatiana.

In any case it was an interesting day to say the least. My long-held secret gained more clarity. I broke it off with Caitlin and Tatiana, as the pain of unfulfilled desire re: Tatiana was too much to handle. I did not want to be friends with Tatiana while she dates Caitlin. Can’t she see Caitlin is no good for her? That it’s just a phase?

But that’s her prerogative. Free will. Lessons need to be learned.

As far as my secret goes, I have decided to remedy it.

I broke down once again last night, first as Tatiana was dropping me off, and then, more completely, once home, after the decision to cut off both Tati and Katie. I lived up to my vow to practice yoga. Or at least attempt to. But it was not meant to be. I was crying uncontrollably. I could not make it through one repetition of Surya Namaskara A before breaking down and hugging the yoga mat, seeking God.

I called Jonathan and explained much to him. I felt much better.

This morning I carried through with my resolve re: the secret, which gave me the clarity and courage to reach out to Katie and apologize. I shared my discovery. I had to choose between the secret or Katie and Tatiana. I love both of them with all of my heart and will no longer choose the left-handed path of the secret. That path is self-flagellation and evil. The new path is one of righteousness, of surrender and meditation, of discipline.

An incredible practice of yoga followed. Everything felt so different. So much lighter! I practiced the “right” way. Focused but light. Less tension. Trusting the breath, listening to the body, flowing with the movement instead of forcing the movement. It was, in many ways, my greatest practice.

I will likely add about one pose a day. I’m ready to kick it up a notch.

Hell of a day. Columbus Day.

Caitlin and I have been talking and texting profusely. I have been bawling at regular intervals.

Have been going back and forth. Are we to remain friends? Get out of each other’s lives? Date? Friends with benefits? Etc.

Talking and writing it out helps. I know what I want now.

Caitlin and Tatiana are good for each other. I am man enough to step back and “take one for the team.” A friend for life is much more important than a short-term relationship that ends up in flames.

I have only known Tatiana for a few days but it is clear to me she is a true friend. She has done as much or more for me than friends I’ve known for years.

And Caitlin? There’s no doubt about her. We are soul mates, and “soul mates” is not limited to romantic relationship. Far from it. We will, God willing, be in each other’s lives ’til death does us part and we meet again in the afterlife.

We can do this. I’ve had a crisis of faith recently. This math class is taxing all my resources. Feeling like I’ve lost my best friend has not added to things. Confusion abound. Do I stay or I go?

I am staying. We will make this work. We will transition to friendship, to a big brother-little sister relationship. I want the best for them both because I love them, and that’s what true love is and does.

Have gone through so much recently and have healed even more. Life is truly a gift. It is incredible and amazing. Thank you, Lord.

We’re gonna conquer this math class. One hour a day. At least. Let’s go!

Tuesday, October 14:

All sorts of f—ed up right now. I feel good, more or less. Just stressed.

I have my wits about me. But life is intense at the moment.

Math. Sigh.

Making friends with Rebecca. She’s a psych major too. Definitely relying on friends like never before.

I’m so blessed to have such a strong support system. Thank you, Andy. Thank you, Caitlin. Thank you, Rebecca. Thank you, Lori.

Soon I will make two blogs and say goodbye to this one. One will be dark, one will be light. Both will have pseudonyms. My life is too personal and intense. Gotta protect my identity.

Wednesday, October 15:

November 1st is the deadline for the two blogs. I have the names and pseudonyms picked out and everything.

I will market and advertise. I am becoming much more confident with myself.

Caitlin and I are doing our best to remain friends. Yesterday was quite difficult. I was breaking down in math class and ended up walking out to go cry in the bathroom. Vented to Caitlin about a number of things, largely about how I blame myself and feel I failed her, questioning my ability to remain friends with her while she sees someone else. It’s too soon…

Went back in class and tried to hold it together. Couldn’t do it. The teacher and I shared a moment for a second as I walked out (I sit in the front). I e-mailed him about what’s going on. I may fail but even if I do I will keep showing up and build proper study habits. Stats won’t be any easier.

No matter how long it takes I will graduate, get my Master’s, and become a therapist. Nothing will stop me, not even math.

Caitlin later told me she broke up with Tatiana. We talked that evening. I informed her that I hope she didn’t do it out of a hope we would get back together; we won’t. We discussed how we feel, how much we love each other, how much we want to remain in each other’s lives, but she admitted she does not know if she can handle just being my friend when she wants so much more.

I understand.

We are creating space but slowly. We are talking daily but not nearly as much as when we were together. Tatiana is rightfully upset with me; we haven’t talked since Sunday. She is frustrated about how back-and-forth I’ve been about everything, which she has every reason to be. I have never been this indecisive about things in my life.

But I’m not indecisive anymore. My wants and needs are clear: friendship with Caitlin, friendship with Tatiana. Slowly but surely we shall move on. I figure as I get to know Tatiana I won’t be so threatened by their relationship. And I’ll also be able to move on and, months from now, enter another relationship.

School is the biggest stressor on my mind. Everything else is honestly, while stressful, on the up-and-up. My spirit is strong.

My Mom is dealing with relapse. Our family is coming together, however painful it may be. Purging is healthful.

I will get a car soon. That will allow work to flourish. Eventually I want to buy myself a motorcycle.

I am feeling quite confident and outgoing. I have, in fact, never been this outgoing. All praise due to Allah wrt the spirit release the healer did for me. I am flirty and able to put myself out there without fear of reprisal or chastising myself about moral or sexual qualms.

Essentially I am owning my sexuality. I am in control of it and no longer afraid to pursue it, finally believing that one, I deserve it, and that two, I am a fundamentally good person who will not hurt others with it.

Smile, breathe and go slowly.

Thursday, October 16:

Okay. From this point forward I am an A student. Not a C or B student. A.

So even if I have an F, I’ll end up with a passing grade. Holla at cha boi!

Beginning tomorrow morning!

Met a potential new friend in Nikkie. She’s cute and a yogi! Weeee!

Hopefully Rebecca and I become friends too.

I am becoming a social butterfly. It’s fun chatting up attractive people and actually getting to know them. All this self-imposed pressure of looking for something or picking up people is gone. I simply seek like minds! And whatever happens, happens. I’ll always be my goofy, flirty, confident, charming self.

Friday, October 17:

Work is better than ever. Jay stay paid.

Digging Sims’ new album. And finally copped Bad Time Zoo, so it’s really like two new albums. Wow, I just do not get tired of DOOMTREE.

Good, productive day. Slow start but it’s taken off since.

This protein shake, Phood and PlantFusion, are incredible. Make me feel so good!

Saturday, October 18:

Let’s actually get some studying done today, eh?

Sunday, October 19:

Let’s actually get some studying done today, eh?

September Review:

To quote the announcer from Marvel vs. Capcom 2: Wonderful.

September was all about getting back up to speed. Smile, breathe, go slowly. Consistency and discipline are the watchwords, not ambition and maximization.

That was successful! Now in October we will slightly increase things and see where I am at. Slowly but surely. In my mind I figured it would take me six weeks of slow-and-steady to achieve my old prowess or better. We’ll see if that will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For the curious, my supplement intake has become quite bodacious over the years. After nine long, hard months, I finally have three long sought after supplemental additions worth sharing:

PlantFusion: I have been waiting to use all my old whey (thanks, Christina, for giving me yours way back in, I dunno, May?) and hemp. I liked hemp, but PlantFusion seems like the real deal.

After experimenting it has become clear that protein powder makes a significant difference in strength and recovery gains. Slightly off-topic but I always love linking to this article dispelling the myth of 1g/protein per pound of body weight. Largely due to that article my routine has become: protein shake three times a week: the day of and the following two days after lifting.

Phood: PlantFusion’s buddy. Apparently “ModCarb” is combined from six organic grains: oats, amaranth, buckwheat, millet, quinoa and chia. Baobab is, again apparently, a superfood. Phood appears to be a souped-up version of PlantFusion. It has PlantFusion’s protein (“near-identical”), the aforementioned ModCarb and Baobab, and cruciferous greens.

Superfood Extract: As if I needed more ORAC per serving, amirite? This has 18 berries, fruits and vegetables, including coffee, acai, pomegranate, green tea, passionfruit and watermelon (save your Black people jokes), none of which I consume more than sparingly. As the product page claims, one teaspoon is equivalent to 10 to 12 servings of fruits and vegetables.

I am consuming superfood extract with the same frequency as Phood and PlantFusion. Three other days of the week I am juicing fresh fruits and vegetables (and ginger root). If anything I am going overboard. Watch, I’m going to start aging in reverse!

Finally, I consume shilajit, moringa, chlorella, spirulina and maca powder daily. Hello, my name is OCD. The pleasure is all mine.

To help recovery, I take hot baths with Epsom salt and Lavender essential oil 5-7 times a week.

October Goals:

Yoga:

Add 15 minutes of Ashtanga poses. To be specific, let’s just toss something out there: Standing Sequence up to (but not including) Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana and the entirety of Finishing Sequence. Actually, that’s more like 30 minutes than 15.

Go slowly, Adam! Okay, how about this: Standing Sequence up to Parsvottanasana; entire Finishing Sequence. Now that’s probably 20 minutes, but that’s fine: the Finishing Sequence is not particularly challenging. (Standing Sequence is, however, brutally challenging!)

Okay, that’s 14 poses added. Hell, if I add 14 poses this month, I’ll be proud! Then 10 in November, 5 in December, and… -slapping myself-

This is what I call going slowly? Sigh.

StrongLifts:

One day a week

Squats: 190 5×5
Deadlift: 190 1×5
Overhead: 115  5x 5
Barbell Row: 140 5x 5
Bench: 170 5×5

In other words: 5 lbs to all my lifts. That is my plan every month: five pounds a month. I am not married to that plan, either. If I feel a bit worn out I’ll add five pounds every six weeks.

This is an adjustment. I was doing SL two to three times a week. This is the primary reason I burned out, in my opinion. I am a yogi, not a body builder. Focus on yoga first, second and third. Everything else is a distant fourth.

I am also adding extra work to the end of my StrongLift sessions:

Reverse Forearm Curls: 65 lb, 2 x 5
Wide-Armed Pull-ups: 2 x 5
Wide-Armed Push-ups:
2 x 15
Chin-ups: 2 x 5

No, my upper body is nothing to write home about. These are modest goals. I am a beginner here!

Assuming the curling bar weighs 25 (I actually have no idea; I simply Googled) I am reverse curling 65 lb. Sounds about right. Again, I’m not a bodybuilder and do not aspire to be one. I just want to be, look and feel well-above average in strength.

Biking:

50 miles a week

I love biking! I bike to school twice a week, which is an easy 40 miles right there. It’s 20 miles one-way. So when that starts feeling like a breeze, I’ll simply bike home, too, adding up to 40 more miles without needing to change my routine or finding the time. The other ten miles a week is fairly conservative: that is accomplished simply biking to stores for groceries, to the track, for fun, etc.

Running:

One mile a week

This is another reason why I feel like I burned out in the past: too much running. I was running 3.5 times a week for 1.25-1.5 miles a spurt, not including warm-up and cool-down (another half-mile). So that was about five miles a week.

Modest amount, yes… for a runner, which I am not. It’s something I enjoy doing, and therefore something I want to keep in the repertoire, but it’s not something I want to detract from my more serious pursuits.

It’s a lot of pounding to put on your body. I would find myself sore or, more often, tight during my yoga sessions. So I’m cutting back and replacing the high-intensity workouts (lifting and running) with more low-intensity (biking and yoga).

When I write all of this down it seems like a lot. Am I biting off more than I can chew? Perspective is appreciated. If it turns out I am, what will be the first to go? I don’t know! Indecisive Libra…

Let’s get on to it!

Wednesday, October 1:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Mentally challenging. Physically I am becoming as light as a bird. Getting my ole elasticity back. Fluid! Agile! Lithe! Torque! Precision! Endurance!

Endurance is my biggest weakness, actually. That always comes last, it seems. Sure, my endurance is pretty good, but yoga requires great endurance, not just pretty good. Once my endurance comes back, all the aforementioned qualities become second-nature and we can truly begin the meditation which is, as B. K. S. Iyengar describes, a complete simultaneous awareness of all points of the body, not just a “single-pointed” awareness.

Oh boy.

Let’s just stay consistent. One day at a time.

StrongLifts:

Squats: 185 lb x 5

Bench: 165 lb x 5

Deadlift: 185 lb x 1

For the first time since starting back up my squats were explosive! My power is returning! Wow!

Bench? Not as simple. But I’m still getting stronger. When I started September, I benched 165 x 5, yes, but I weighed 162 or so. Now I’m still benching 165 x 5 but weigh 156 or so.

The “x 5″ part wasn’t smooth. There were two instances of failure. Not the complete definition of failure, as I do not have a spotter, so that failure is quite uncomfortable. By failure I mean I simply stopped the consistent reps, for I highly suspected if I did not, the next rep would be complete, can’t-even-lift-the-bar-off-my-chest-enough-to-remove-myself-from-the-bench failure.

Deadlift was much stronger. But I still need to stay at this weight for another week or two.

Was going to bike ~10 miles but I am learning how to cut back. Imagine that! Tomorrow I’m biking 20 miles to school, so…

Thursday, October 2:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

6:30 AM.

Tight and sore but not too tight and sore. Can handle this once or twice a week.

Biked ~5 miles.

Friday, October 3:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

7:15 AM.

Much more sore than yesterday but not nearly as tight.

Maybe another half week of this and then start adding a pose or two.

Biked 15 miles (total, not consecutively).

Saturday, October 4:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

I don’t remember doing this, to be honest. But I know I did it… right?

Sunday, October 5:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Because I know it was Sunday where I only did Surya Namaskara.

Monday, October 6:

Two mile run w/ Omar.

Tuesday thru Thursday:

Cold.

Friday, October 10:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Still recovering from the cold. Also recovering from lethargy.

Saturday, October 11:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Prasarita Padottanasana A

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

New pose! New energy! Weeeee!

Sunday, October 12:

Tears.

Monday, October 13:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Prasarita Padottanasana A

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Practice has never felt this light. Something fundamentally changed today. It felt closer to yoga than anything ever before.

Tuesday, October 14:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Prasarita Padottanasana A, B

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

First thing in the morning. 7:30 AM.

Biked 20 miles.

Wednesday, October 15:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Prasarita Padottanasana A, B, C

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

7:30 AM.

Biking around the city. Nothing too major. Five to ten miles, depending on if I go to WinCo and Sprouts.

Thursday, October 16:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Prasarita Padottanasana A, B, C, D

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

One added pose a day keeps the doctor away! Practice coming along nicely!

7:30 AM.

Biked ~30 miles.

Friday, October 17:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Prasarita Padottanasana A, B, C, D

Parvottanasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

11:15 AM or so.

Will likely add the rest of Finishing tomorrow. New goal: All of Standing and Finishing by Nov. 1.

Biked ~5 miles.

Saturday, October 18:

Ran with Nathaniel. 1 or 1.25 miles. I think it was 4 laps, he said 5. He was quite confident. I was not at all. I still think it was four, however!

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Prasarita Padottanasana A, B, C, D

Parvottanasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Sarvangasana (10 breaths)

Halasana; Karnapindasana

Urdhva Padmasana; Pindasana

Matsyasana; Uttana Padasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana (7 breaths)

Savasana

Details. It slipped my mind to number the poses that need numbering, such as the number of breaths on Tolasana (traditionally one is supposed to take 100 breaths!) and Urdhva Dhanurasana (I’ve been doing it x3 for a while but forgot to log it until now). And Sarvangasana, which I believe is traditionally 15 breaths but am not sure.

So that is seven poses added, and ya know what? I felt like I could’ve done a lot more. I was not tired by the end. Not at all.

So I’ll do all of Finishing tomorrow, as well as my favorite (slash least-favorite) postures in all of Ashtanga: Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana!

Sunday, October 19:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Prasarita Padottanasana A, B, C, D

Parvottanasana

Utthita Hasta Padangustasana A, B, D

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana x3, Paschimottanasana

Sarvangasana (10 breaths)

Halasana; Karnapindasana

Urdhva Padmasana; Pindasana

Matsyasana; Uttana Padasana

Sirsasana A (10 breaths), Sirsasana B (5 breaths)

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana (7 breaths)

Savasana

Strong!

Monday, October 20:

balmy

\ BAH-mee \  , adjective;

  1. mild and refreshing; soft; soothing: balmy weather .

On and off and on and off until he was laughing at the magic of the running water and the chicken and bread that lay balmy  in his stomach.

– Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Half of a Yellow Sun , 2006

Imagine now, while the curtain’s falling, that it’s a fine balmy  day and the smell of clams coming in from the bay.

– Henry Miller, Black Spring , 1936

Origin:

Balmy  is the adjectival form of balm , which originally referred to an aromatic resin and came to mean anything that heals. Balmy  entered English in the late 1400s.

ardor

\ AHR-der \  , noun;

  1. great warmth of feeling; fervor; passion: She spoke persuasively and with ardor .
  2. intense devotion, eagerness, or enthusiasm; zeal: his well-known ardor for Chinese art .
  3. burning heat.

How could that not speak to a million moviegoers? If they embraced Hoffman with ardor , it was in part because he looked so uncool, and so unbeautiful, and because he so obviously hailed from the same tribe as they did, and because there was a kind of beauty, after all, in the flame of feeling that got stoked inside that sweaty heft and pallor.

– Anthony Lane, “The Master,” The New Yorker , Feb. 17, 2014

Although I had a gift for self-pity, I knew her case would then be worse than mine; for it would be worse to see, as she would see, the ardor  in his eyes give place to kindliness than never to have ardor  there.

– Rebecca West, The Return of the Soldier , 1918

Origin:

Ardor  comes from the Latin ārd(ēre)  meaning “to burn” and the suffix -or , which often occurs in loanwords from Latin and denotes a condition or property of things. In Middle English, this word was often spelled ardure .

lambent

\ LAM-buhnt \  , adjective;

  1. dealing lightly and gracefully with a subject; brilliantly playful: lambent wit .
  2. running or moving lightly over a surface: lambent tongues of flame .
  3. softly bright or radiant: a lambent light .

American Literature would surely be the poorer if the great Boston Brahmin had not enlivened it with his rich humor, his lambent  wit and his sincere pathos…

– William Lyon Phelps (1865–1943), edited by Harold Bloom, “Mark Twain,” Mark Twain , 2009

The sea that night gleamed with the moon’s lambent  silver and drew to its surface many squids dazed and fascinated by the light.

– Rachel Carson, “The Edge of the Sea,” Life , Vol. 32, No. 15, 1952

Origin:

Lambent  comes from the Latin term lambere  meaning “to lick.” It entered English in the mid-1600s.

indelible

\ in-DEL-uh-buhl \  , adjective;

  1. that cannot be eliminated, forgotten, changed, or the like: the indelible memories of war; the indelible influence of a great teacher .
  2. making marks that cannot be erased, removed, or the like: indelible ink .

Alone among the celebrity journalists of the sixties… he has both given us indelible  portraits of living people and brought ideas to vivid, eccentric life.

– Rhoda Koenig, “Tom Wolfe Rattles the Foundations of Modern Architecture,” New York , 1981

How had she remembered it all? She hadn’t made an effort–how had every dish remained so indelible  after all conversations and glances had faded?

– Andrew Sean Greer, How It Was for Me: Stories , 2000

Origin:

Indelible  can be traced to the Latin indēlēbilis  meaning “indestructible.” It entered English in the mid-1500s.

mot juste

\ moh ZHYST \  , noun;

  1. French . the exact, appropriate word

I felt very bad because here was the man I liked and trusted the most as a critic then, the man who believed in the mot juste —the one and only correct word to use—the man who had taught me to distrust adjectives as I would later learn to distrust certain people in certain given situations…

– Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast , 1964

I felt that something might be learned of what I wanted from Flaubert and the mot juste  so admired by Ford and Pound.

– A. S. Byatt, “Still Life/nature morte,” Passions of the Mind , 1991

Origin:

Mot juste  is a borrowing from the French word of the same spelling and meaning. It entered English in the late 1800s.

slipshod

\ SLIP-shod \  , adjective;

  1. careless, untidy, or slovenly: slipshod work .
  2. down-at-heel; seedy; shabby.

… Buck saw a slipshod  and slovenly affiar, tent half stretched, dishes unwashed, everything in disorder…

– Jack London, The Call of the Wild , 1903

At intervals were heard the tread of slipshod  feet, and the chilly cry of the poor sweep as he crept, shivering, to his early toil…

– Charles Dickens, Nicholas Nickleby , 1839

Origin:

Slipshod  is formed with the verb sense of slip  “to move, flow, or go smoothly or easily” and shod , an adjective meaning “wearing shoes.” Slipshod  entered English in the late 1500s.

cat’s-paw

\ KATS-paw \  , noun;

  1. a person used to serve the purposes of another; tool.

Intrigue followed her wherever she went, because more powerful personalities wanted her for a cat’s-paw . Once queen she might have proven a difficult cat’s-paw , however.

– Jonathan Schneer, The Thames , 2005

I found out later what he’d done — used me for a cat’s-paw  to keep this company I’d bought from selling out to someone else and spoiling another deal he had on the fire.

– Cameron Hawley, “Fast Millions from East Deals” (excerpt from Cash McCall ), Life , Vol. 39, No.1, 1955

Origin:

Cat’s-paw  finds its origin in a fable called “The Monkey and the Cat” in which a monkey uses a cat’s paw to draw chestnuts out of a fire. The term entered English in the mid-1600s.

brusque

\ bruhsk \  , adjective;

  1. abrupt in manner; blunt; rough: A brusque welcome greeted his unexpected return .

Her voice is soft and low, at odds with her bigness and her brusque  movement.

– Katherine Dunn, Geek Love , 1989

Rachel understood only that Uncle Pono was sick in the hospital, but when she asked if they could go see him, her mother snapped out a brusque  ” No ” and changed the subject.

– Alan Brennert, Moloka’i , 2003

Origin:

Brusque  is borrowed from French and adapted from the Italian word brusco  meaning “tart.” It entered English in the early 1600s.

desiderium

\ des-i-DEER-ee-uhm \  , noun;

  1. an ardent longing, as for something lost.

I think as seldom as I can of what I loved or esteemed in it, to avoid the desiderium  which of all things makes life most uneasy.

– Jonathan Swift (1667–1745), Letter to Alexander Pope  on June 28, 1715, The Works of Jonathan Swift , 1859

Whoever should study the mood of desiderium  in England during the eighteenth century might find corroboration for the sense of restrained poignancy which often underlies the good poetry of the age…

– Arthur Raleigh Humphreys, William Shenstone: An Eighteenth-Century Portrait , 1937

Origin:

Desiderium  comes from the Latin verb dēsīderāre  meaning “to long for; require.” It entered English in the early 1700s.

votive

\ VOH-tiv \  , adjective;

  1. offered, given, dedicated, etc., in accordance with a vow: a votive offering .
  2. performed, undertaken, etc., in consequence of a vow.
  3. of the nature of or expressive of a wish or desire.

Behind the barricades–made of paving stones, or chairs, or the carcasses of cars–people had built makeshift altars, with votive  candles, incense, and framed pictures, to commemorate killed protesters where they had fallen.

– Jon Lee Anderson, “Revolutionary Relics,” The New Yorker , May 1, 2014

“I have promised a votive  offering to Poseidon,” I said to one of the sailors as we marched downward again. “But he’s not one of my favourite gods, I have to say.”

– Margaret Doody, Aristotle and the Secrets of Life , 2002

Origin:

Votive  shares a root with the word vote  in the Latin term vōtum  meaning “vow.” Votive  entered English around 1600.

ethos

\ EE-thos, EE-thohs, ETH-os, -ohs \  , noun;

  1. Sociology . the fundamental character or spirit of a culture; the underlying sentiment that informs the beliefs, customs, or practices of a group or society; dominant assumptions of a people or period: In the Greek ethos the individual was highly valued .
  1. the character or disposition of a community, group, person, etc.
  2. the moral element in dramatic literature that determines a character’s action rather than his or her thought or emotion.

These stories and countless others attest to the democratic ethos  of social mobility and fluidity, heavily inflected by the Romantic ethos  of “rugged individualism” and, however reductivist, Emersonian “self-reliance.”

– Ann Lauterbach, The Night Sky: Writings on the Poetics of Experience , 2005

Irony is not dead–it’s (ahem) a useful rhetorical tool–but it’s certainly not the ethos  of our age.

– Jonathan D. Fitzgerald, “Sincerity, Not Irony, Is Our Age’s Ethos,” The Atlantic , Nov. 20, 2012

Origin:

Ethos  comes from the Greek term meaning “custom; habit; character,” and provides the root for the term ethics . It entered English in the 1600s.

pulchritudinous

\ puhl-kri-TOOD-n-uhs, -TYOOD- \  , adjective;

  1. physically beautiful; comely.

Jazz buffs with glorious vocabularies wrote long and often boring tributes to the pulchritudinous  Lady Day, her phrasing and incredibly intricate harmonics.

– Maya Angelou, The Heart of a Woman , 1981

The years have not appreciably dimmed his pulchritudinous  luster.

– Evans Peck, “The Many-Sided McLean,” Cosmopolitan , 1910–1911

Origin:

Pulchritudinous  is built on the Latin word for “beautiful,” pulcher . The noun pulchritude  entered English in the mid-1400s; pulchritudinous  did not gain traction in the US until the late 1800s.

pericope

\ puh-RIK-uh-pee \  , noun;

  1. a selection or extract from a book.
  2. a portion of sacred writing read in a divine service; lesson; lection.

troth

\ trawth, trohth \  , noun;

  1. one’s word or promise, especially in engaging oneself to marry.
  2. faithfulness, fidelity, or loyalty: by my troth .
  3. truth or verity: in troth .

osculate

\ OS-kyuh-leyt \  , verb;

  1. to kiss.
  2. to bring into close contact or union.

And the Marquis, whose rough, red beard was trembling with emotion, effusively osculated  the ducal paw.

– P. W. Wilson, “The Three Young Citizens,” Boy’s Life , December 1924

A person should be particular whom they osculate  with.

– “Miscellaneous Matter,” The Critique , 1909

Origin:

Osculate  is formed with the Latin word for “mouth,” ōs , and a suffix used to create English verbs from Latin, -ate . It entered English in the mid-1600s.

anodyne

[an-uh-dahyn]

noun

1. a medicine that relieves or allays pain.

2. anything that relieves distress or pain:

The music was an anodyne to his grief.

interregnum

[in-ter-reg-nuh m]

noun, plural interregnums, interregna 

[in-ter-reg-nuh]

1. an interval of time between the close of a sovereign’s reign and the accession of his or her normal or legitimate successor.

2. any period during which a state has no ruler or only a temporary executive.

3. any period of freedom from the usual authority.

4. any pause or interruption in continuity.

Postwar interregnum as conflicting plans for central intelligence are shakendown into a presidential directive.

There was an interregnum, a period of diffuse groping and stumbling.

The college, ultimately, was seized by parliament during the interregnum.

oeuvre

[œ-vruh]

noun, plural oeuvres 

[œ-vruh] (Show IPA). French.

  1. the works of a writer, painter, or the like, taken as a whole.
  2. any one of the works of a writer, painter, or the like.

And his oeuvre didn’t exactly get less sensational or surreal from there.

And, by the way, the oeuvre exists outside our own interpretations.

Slight as his oeuvre had been, it proved impossible to forget.

concatenate

[kon-kat-n-eyt]

verb (used with object), concatenated, concatenating.

  1. to link together; unite in a series or chain.

adjective

  1. linked together, as in a chain.

An immoderate fondness for dress, for pleasure, and for sway, are the passions of savages; the passions that occupy those uncivili zed beings who have not yet extended the dominion of the mind, or even learned to think with the energy necessary to concatenate that abstract train of thought which produces principles…. that women from their education and the present state of civilized life, are in the same condition, cannot … be controverted.

- Mary Wollstonecraft

vet

[vet]

noun

verb (used with object), vetted, vetting.

to appraise, verify, or check for accuracy, authenticity, validity, etc.:

An expert vetted the manuscript before publication.

grok

[grok]

verb (used with object)

  1. to understand thoroughly and intuitively.

verb (used without object)

  1. to communicate sympathetically.

coined by Robert A. Heinlein in the science-fiction novel Stranger in a Strange Land (1961)

So here’s my list of stuff you may not grok about our nearest star.

Again, that’s the only true way to understand this concept, to grok it.

“to understand empathically,” 1961, arbitrary formation by U.S. sciencefiction writer Robert A. Heinlein (1907-1988) in his book “Stranger in aStrange Land.” In popular use 1960s; perhaps obsolete now except ininternet technology circles.

sartorial

[sahr-tawr-ee-uh l, -tohr-]

adjective

  1. of or pertaining to tailors or their trade:

sartorial workmanship.

  1. of or pertaining to clothing or style or manner of dress:

sartorial splendor.

 They even share a sartorial tie: the devout in both faiths wear special undergarments.

But the sartorial façade of sophistication was a flimsy one.

We scavenged our search results for reports on the screenings,implications of sartorial missteps, and expressions of sisterhood.

prudence

\ PROOD-ns \  , noun; 

  1. caution with regard to practical matters; discretion.
  2. the quality or fact of being prudent.
  3. regard for one’s own interests.
  4. provident care in the management of resources; economy; frugality.

anon

\ uh-NON \  , adverb; 

  1. in a short time; soon.
  2. at another time.
  3. Archaic. at once; immediately.

And anon  when his breathing had become deep and regular, we may creep into his bedroom and catch him at his dreams.

– H. G. Wells, The Wheels of Chance , 1896

He waved good-bye and told me he’d call anon . Thattime, I didn’t fall for the anon  thing.

– Patricia A. Marx, Him Her Him Again the End of Him, 2007

Origin:

Anon  comes from the Old English phrase on āne meaning “in one (course)” or “straightaway.”

previse

\ pri-VAHYZ \  , verb; 

  1. to foresee.
  2. to forewarn.

‘Tis the novelty of the experiment which makes impressions on their conceptive, cogitative faculties;that do not previse  the facility of the operation adequately, with a subact and sedate intellection, associated with diligent and congruous study.

– François Rabelais, translated by J. M. Cohen,Gargantua and Pantagruel , 1693, translationpublished in 1955

In Blanche Yurka’s road company of “The Wild Duck,”Miss Davis played the role of Hedvig, after nearly missing the part because of an attack of measles which Mrs. Davis had failed to previse .

– Janet Flanner (1892-1978), edited by IrvingDrutman, Janet Flanner’s World , 1981

Origin:

Previse  is derived from the Latin word praevidēre  which means “to foresee.”

panegyric

\ pan-i-JIR-ik, -JAHY-rik \  , noun; 

  1. a lofty oration or writing in praise of a person or thing; eulogy.
  2. formal or elaborate praise.

And I hope this little panegyric  will not be offensive to their ears, since it has the advantage of being only designed for themselves.

– Jonathan Swift, A Tale of a Tub , 1704

Then had come Lord Henry Wotton with his strange panegyric  on youth, his terrible warning of its brevity.

– Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray , 1891

Origin:

Panegyric  comes from the Greek word panḗgyr (is) meaning “solemn assembly.” It entered English at the end of the 1500s.

ambulant

\ AM-byuh-luhnt \  , adjective; 

  1. moving from place to place; itinerant; shifting.
  2. Medicine/Medical. not confined to bed; able or strong enough to walk. b. serving patients who are able to walk.

…rolling, ambulant  streets where nothing stands still, nothing is fixed, nothing is comprehensible except through the eyes and mind of a dreamer.

– Henry Miller, Sexus , 1949

The encounter with these ambulant  highnesses had been fatal — Lansing now perceived it — to Mrs. Hick’s principles.

– Edith Wharton, The Glimpses of the Moon , 1922

Origin:

Ambulant  comes from the Latin ambulāre  meaning “to walk.” It entered English in the mid-1600s.\

clement

\ KLEM-uhnt \  , adjective; 

  1. mild or merciful in disposition or character; lenient; compassionate: A clement judge reduced his sentence .
  2. (of the weather) mild or temperate; pleasant.

Truly men say of Titus that he is clement  and merciful, and therein differs much from Vespasian his father, and the clemency which he showed to the people of Gischala and other places which he has taken proves that is so…

– G. A. Henty, For the Temple: A Tale of the Fall ofJerusalem , 1888

“Yet I am a clement  man, Francesco, and sorely though that dog has wronged me by his silence, I thank Heaven for the grace to say—God rest his vile soul!”

– Rafael Sabatini, Love-At-Arms , 1907

Origin:

Clement  came to English in the mid-1400s from the Latin word meaning “gentle, merciful.”

rident

\ RAHYD-nt \  , adjective; 

  1. laughing; smiling;
  2. He flashed her a smile, but she didn’t miss the fact that this rident expression did nothing to alter the bleakness in his eyes.
  3. – Elizabeth George, Deception on His Mind , 1997
  4. Hetty was radiant and rident . It was quite like an evening at home at Oakhurst. Never for months past, never since that fatal cruel day, that no one spoke of, had they spent an evening so delightful.
  5. – William Makepeace Thackeray, The Virginians ,1857–1859
  6. Origin:
  7. Rident came to English in the early 1600s from the Latin rīdēre  meaning “to laugh.”

estivate

\ ES-tuh-veyt \  , verb; 

  1. to spend the summer, as at a specific place or in a certain activity.
  2. Zoology. to spend a hot, dry season in an inactive, dormant state, as certain reptiles, snails, insects,and small mammals.

So as the people we knew back East die, or are institutionalized, or take themselves off to Tucson or Sarasota or Santa Barbara to estivate  their last years away as we are doing here, our contacts here shrink,too.

– Wallace Stegner, The Spectator Bird , 1976

Hibernate. Or estivate . Depends on whether I do so inthe winter or the summer.

– Ian Watson, Lucky’s Harvest , 1993

Origin:

Estivate  derives from the Latin aestīvāre , with aestīvus meaning “relating to the summer.”

crapulous

\ KRAP-yuh-luhs \  , adjective; 

  1. given to or characterized by gross excess in drinking or eating.
  2. suffering from or due to such excess.

They asked what she did in London and she explained how she helped run an arts festival, and it sounded feyand crapulous . So she told the story of the drunken newsreader they’d booked the previous year…

– Mark Haddon, A Spot of Bother , 2006

prate

\ preyt \  , verb; 

  1. to talk excessively and pointlessly; babble: They prated on until I was ready to scream .
  2. to utter in empty or foolish talk: to prate absurdities with the greatest seriousness .

noun:

  1. act of prating.
  2. empty or foolish talk.

“…What is prudence but avarice? What is generositybut a deceit? And yet men prate of themselves as ifthey were deities.”

– Anonymous, Herbert Wendall: A Tale of the Revolution , 1835

The stones of Cambridge no longer prate of thywhereabout! Death hath removed thee,—may it not be to that bourne where alone thy oaths can be outdone!

– Edward Bulwer-Lytton, Pelham: or, Adventures of a Gentleman , 1828

Origin:

Prate  finds its roots in the Middle Dutch praeten meaning “to speak.” It came to English during the time when Middle English was spoken.

prevaricator

\ pri-VAR-i-key-ter \  , noun; 

  1. a person who speaks falsely; liar.
  2. a person who speaks so as to avoid the precise truth; quibbler; equivocator.

“Whose words are now false? You twist-tongued prevaricator, did I not see with these very eyes that man you speak of save you from those three peasants—”

– Rebecca Reisert, The Third Witch , 2001

Origin:

Prevaricator  came to English in the mid-1500s from the Latin praevāricātor  meaning “unfaithful advocate.”

tumultuary

\ too-MUHL-choo-er-ee, tyoo- \  , adjective; 

  1. confused; disorderly; haphazard: tumultuary habits of studying .
  2. tumultuous; turbulent.

…she chiefly possessed by solicitude about any reopening of his wound, he struggling with a tumultuary  crowd of thoughts that were an offence against his better will.

– George Eliot, Daniel Deronda , 1876

Those who were less interested, rushed into a tumultuary discussion of chances and possibilities. Each gave his opinion, and each was alternately swayed by that of the others.

– Sir Walter Scott, Guy Mannering , 1815

Origin:

Tumultuary  comes from the Latin tumultuārius meaning “pertaining to bustle or hurry.”

hypocorism

\ hahy-POK-uh-riz-uhm, hi- \  , noun; 

  1. a pet name.
  2. the practice of using a pet name.
  3. the use of forms of speech imitative of baby talk, especially by an adult.

This must be an offshoot of my brother’s enthusiasm for hypocorism . He was always inventing idiotic nicknames for people.

– Adam Davies, Goodbye Lemon , 2006

Powsoddy, a now obsolete name for a pudding, was also used as a hypocorism  in the late sixteenth century, paralleling the affectionate use of the word pudding itself in our own century, though lovers usually alter the pronunciation to puddin.

– Mark Morton, The Lover’s Tongue , 2003

Origin:

Hypocorism  entered English in the 1840s from theGreek word hypokórisma  meaning “pet name.” It camefrom the verb hypokor(ízesthai)  meaning “to play thechild, call by endearing names.”

meliorism

MEEL-yuh-riz-uhm, MEE-lee-uh- \ , noun;

  1. the doctrine that the world tends to become better or may be made better by human effort.

For a life worthy to be lived is one that is full of active aspiration, for something higher and better; and such a contemplation of the world we call meliorism .

– Paul Carus, Monism and Meliorism , 1885

The leaders rejected the soft meliorism of more secular activists, the idea that significant progress could be made through consciousness-raising and education campaigns, through consensus and gradual reform.

– David Brooks, “The Ideas Behind the March,” The New York Times , 2013

Origin:

Meliorism entered English in the late 1800s. It comes from the Latin word melior meaning “better.”

embroil

em-BROIL \ , verb;

  1. to bring into discord or conflict; involve in contention or strife.
  2. to throw into confusion; complicate.

Did he wish to embroil himself in the troubles of Miss Lemon’s sister and the passions and grievances of a polyglot hostel?

– Agatha Christie, Hickory Dickory Dock , 1955

I determined not to be stirred by your presence or by the passing through of those who, like you, would embroil me.

– Rebecca Stott, Ghostwalk , 2007

Origin:

Embroil entered English at the turn of the 17th century and comes from the Middle French embrouiller .

peregrine

PER-i-grin, -green, -grahyn \ , noun;

  1. foreign; alien; coming from abroad.
  2. wandering, traveling, or migrating.

…an unmeasurable Profundity of Knowledge in the most peregrine and sublime Disciples…

– Translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart and Peter Motteux, The Works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Vol. 2 , 1864

“Salisbury Cathedral really is the ancestral home of the ‘urban’ peregrine , with records dating from the mid 1800s,” he said.

– “Salisbury Cathedral spire peregrine falcon chicks hatch,” BBC , 2014

Origin:

Peregrine entered English in the late 1300s from the Latin peregrē literally meaning “beyond the borders of the field.”

tautology

taw-TOL-uh-jee \ , noun;

  1. needless repetition of an idea, especially in words other than those of the immediate context, without imparting additional force or clearness, as in “widow woman.”
  2. an instance of such repetition.
  3. Logic . a. a compound propositional form all of whose instances are true, as “A or not A.” b. an instance of such a form, as “This candidate will win or will not win.”

If “When they’re gone they’re gone” is just a straight tautology then nobody finds it in the least bit informative. It isn’t, because it is tautology . But if it’s really not a tautology then that is to say it’s metaphorical.

– Edited by Theodore G. Ammon, Conversations with William H. Gass , 2003

Tautology . Yes, I know, it’s an ugly word. But so is the thing. Tautology is this verbal device which consists in defining like by like (“Drama is drama”).

– Roland Barthes, translated by Annette Lavers, Myth Today , 1972

Origin:

Tautology comes from the Greek tautología , and is formed with tauto- meaning “same” and -logy meaning “writing” or “discourses.”

nettle

NET-l \ , verb;

  1. to irritate, annoy, or provoke.
  2. to sting as a nettle does.

noun:

  1. any plant of the genus Urtica, covered with stinging hairs. Compare nettle family.
  2. any of various allied or similar plants.

The high and lofty airs of these patricians always nettled him.

– Hopkinson Smith, “The Fortunes of Oliver Horn,” Scribner’s Magazine , 1902

Kennedy was so nettled by Halberstam’s dispatches… that the president was still seeking, just a week before the November 1963 coup, to have Halberstam transferred away from Saigon.

– Francis X. Winters, The Year of the Hare: America in Vietnam , 1999

Origin:

Nettle may share a base with the word net , a connection that can be traced to the use of the fiber of the nettle plant for weaving.

abecedarian

ey-bee-see-DAIR-ee-uhn \ , noun;

  1. a person who is learning the letters of the alphabet.
  2. a beginner in any field of learning.

adjective:

  1. of or pertaining to the alphabet.
  2. arranged in alphabetical order.
  3. rudimentary; elementary; primary.

Instead, Hirsch breathes new life into the abecedarian by pointing out its relationship to prayer and how poets as varied as Gertrude Stein and Harryette Mullen have stretched — and been stretched by — the form.

– Elizabeth Lund, “‘A Poet’s Glossary,’ by Edward Hirsch,” The Washington Post , 2014

Henry Barnard, commenting on the work of the abecedarian , in the early nineteenth century, says: “If a child be bright, the time which passes during this lesson is the only part of the day when he does not think. Not a single faculty of the mind is occupied except that of imitating sounds; and even the number of these imitations amounts to only twenty-six.”

– Edited by Paul Monroe, A Cyclopedia of Education , 1911

Origin:

Abecedarian entered English in the early 1600s. It can be traced to the Latin abecedarium meaning “alphabet” or “primer.”

meta

MET-uh \ , adjective;

  1. pertaining to or noting a story, conversation, character, etc., that consciously references or comments upon its own subject or features, often in the form of parody: A movie about making movie is just so meta—especially when the actors criticize the acting .
  2. pertaining to or noting an abstract, high-level analysis or commentary, especially one that consciously references something of its own type.

noun:

  1. a consciously and playfully self-referential story, conversation, etc.: That dialogue was an example meta at its best .
  2. an abstract, high-level analysis or commentary: writing a meta to explain the character’s motivation .

verb:

  1. to analyze or comment on something in a meta way: I spend more time metaing about the show than actually watching it .

This is all meant to be very meta . In one arc, the Doom Patrol is able to stop an imaginary world from taking over the real world when the team finds a black book that tells the story of a black book about an imaginary world taking over the real world.

– Noah Berlatsky, “Grant Morrison’s Doom Patrol: The Craziest Superhero Story Ever Told,” The Atlantic , 2014

The meta craze in criticism soon reached a point of parody about self-conscious parody.

– William Safire, “What’s the Meta?” The New York Times Magazine , 2005

Origin:

Meta can be traced to the Greek preposition of the same spelling meaning “with,” “after,” “between.” It entered English in the late 1800s in the context of chemistry.

coterie

\ KOH-tuh-ree \  , noun; 

  1. a group of people who associate closely.
  2. an exclusive group; clique.
  3. a group of prairie dogs occupying a communal burrow.

The coterie  world of Bloomsbury or the Strand isvicarious, but all reading provides vicarious participation in a social group.

– Robert DeMaria Jr., Samuel Johnson and the Life ofReading , 1997

Sturges also had a brilliant eye for finding unconventional talent, and often cast from the same coterie of quirky actors to makes his films feel textured, like a world of their own.

– Hampton Stevens, “‘It’s like a Hollywood Ending’: When Judd Apatow Met Graham Parker,” The Atlantic, 2012

Origin:

Coterie is French in origin, originally used to refer to an association of tenant farmers. It entered English in the mid-1700s.

diction

\ DIK-shuhn \  , noun; 

  1. style of speaking or writing as dependent upon choice of words: good diction .
  2. the accent, inflection, intonation, and speech-sound quality manifested by an individual speaker, usually judged in terms of prevailing standards of acceptability; enunciation.

But the main characters themselves are not credible, with their mythic passions, expressed in diction  more formal and flowery than would ever issue from a boy of the slums and a girl from the world of pampered inanity.

– Rhoda Koenig, “Rio Is Rich,” New York , 1994

But wise men pierce this rotten diction and fasten words again to visible things; so that picturesque language is at once a commanding certificate that he who employs it is a man in alliance with truth and God.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Nature,” 1836

Origin:

Diction  stems from the Latin dīcere  meaning “to say.”The term entered English in the early 1400s.

verbicide

\ VUR-buh-sahyd \  , noun; 

  1. the willful distortion or depreciation of the original meaning of a word.
  2. a person who willfully distorts the meaning of a word.

Life and language are alike sacred. Homicide and verbicide –that is, violent treatment of a word with fatal results to its legitimate meaning, which is its life–are alike forbidden.

– Oliver Wendell Holmes, “The Autocrat of theBreakfast-Table,” The Atlantic Monthly , 1857

Men often commit verbicide  because they want to snatch a word as a party banner, to appropriate its ‘selling quality’.

– C.S. Lewis, Studies in Words , 1960

Origin:

Verbicide joins a variant of the Latin verbum , meaning”word,” with -cide , a suffix used in the formation ofcompound words that means “killer” or “act of killing.”

bel-esprit

\ bel-es-PREE \  , noun; 

  1. a person of great wit or intellect.

She was the most hospitable and jovial of old vestals, and had been a beauty in her day, she said… She was a bel esprit , and a dreadful Radical for those days.

– William Makepeace Thackeray, Vanity Fair: A NovelWithout a Hero , 1847-1848

A man of genius will only write a history, or aromance; moral, or poetical essays; but his performances remain with the language, while the reputation of a bel esprit , like some artificial fires, become suddenly extinct.

– Isaac D’Israeli, An Essay on the Manners andGenius of the Literary Character , 1795

Origin:

Bel-esprit  entered English from French in the mid-1600s. Esprit  can be traced back to the Latin spiritus  meaning “spirit.”

inimical

adjective

  1. adverse in tendency or effect; unfavorable; harmful:

a climate inimical to health.

  1. unfriendly; hostile:

a cold, inimical gaze.

cant1

/kænt/

noun

  1. insincere, especially conventional expressions of enthusiasm for high ideals, goodness, or piety.
  2. the private language of the underworld.
  3. the phraseology peculiar to a particular class, party, profession, etc.:

the cant of the fashion industry.

  1. whining or singsong speech, especially of beggars.

verb (used without object)

  1. to talk hypocritically.
  2. to speak in the whining or singsong tone of a beggar; beg.

argot

/ˈɑr goʊ, -gət/

noun

  1. a specialized idiomatic vocabulary peculiar to a particular class or group of people, especially that of an underworld group, devised for private communication and identification:

a Restoration play rich in thieves’ argot.

  1. the special vocabulary and idiom of a particular profession or social group:

sociologists’ argot.

patois

/ˈpæt wɑ, ˈpɑ twɑ; French paˈtwa/

noun, plural patois

  1. a regional form of a language, especially of French, differing from the standard, literary form of the language.
  2. a rural or provincial form of speech.
  3. jargon; cant; argot.

Monday, September 1:

Monthly Horoscope: Sagittarius

The Sun

Until September 22nd:

The Sun continues to put a spotlight on your solar tenth house. Satisfaction and fulfillment during this cycle come from doing your professional best, shining as a responsible and capable person, and contributing to the world in practical ways. You might have a chance to receive acknowledgement or praise for your work or good character now. Landing support from authority figures is easier at this time. Avoid the pitfalls of pride or arrogance standing in your way of success.

From September 22nd forward:

The Sun lights your solar eleventh house. The Sun illuminates your sector of friends, groups, and dreams coming true this month. It’s a sociable sector of your chart, and that’s exactly how you are feeling–happy, light-hearted, cosmopolitan, and social. Group affiliations capture your attention. Connections can be made now and networking pays off, or at least satisfies. Being part of a community or circle of friends and building your social network is important to you at this time. This is a rather happy, goal-oriented cycle. A lively agenda is promised, you’re attracting quite a bit of interest, and your energy for making contact with others is high. A stronger sense of community is with you during this cycle. Relationships take on a fun, if impersonal, tone now. Activities with children (especially others’ children) may increase. You are more stimulated by all that is unconventional during this cycle, and your ideas are original and progressive now. This is a time to follow your dreams and ideals, and to plant a seed in the form of a wish for the future.

Venus

Until September 5th:

Venus continues to grace your solar ninth house. During this cycle, your ideals in love are set high. You might become inspired by a loved one now, or someone might awaken a new perspective or way of thinking in you. You could also enjoy a trip, or a new adventure of sorts. In fact, you are attracted to anything that is non-routine and fare best when you are reaching out beyond your usual bounds. You might be attracted to people or even objects that are exotic or different in some way during this cycle. It’s a good period for personal charm and attractiveness in general.

From September 5-29th:Venus graces your solar tenth house now. During this cycle, you are most charming and well-received on the job. Your responsibility and authority are likeable qualities now, making this a favorable period overall for schmoozing with those in a higher position than you, as well as for negotiations or social activities related to business. Venus is charming, friendly, and affectionate, and her presence in your career and reputation sector brings social opportunities to your career. You are coming across well at work now, and romantic opportunities, or simply more chances to socialize and network, are likely. You are socially ambitious right now, and success may come though your good managerial qualities or some form of artistic talent, or, indirectly through your marriage partner. People who turn your head during this cycle are those who come across as especially competent.

From September 29th forward:

Venus graces your solar eleventh house now. Forming harmonious, warm social friendships, possibly related to group activities within a club, can figure now. You may meet someone through such group activities; consequently, your interests will be shared. Whether or not you do, the bottom line is that sharing interests with someone is what makes you happy during this cycle. Venus here enlivens your friendships and group associations with charm and grace. You are more peace-loving than usual and slightly detached on a personal level. If a romance were to begin during this time frame, it would be characterized by a strong feeling of camaraderie, but it could also be rather impersonal and perhaps lacking in depth and intimacy.

Mercury

From September 2-27:

Mercury is transiting your solar eleventh house. Your mind is bright, alert, and active during this cycle, and you have the ability to come up with unusual and inventive ideas. Sharing your thoughts with others is a prime interest. Others tend to particularly enjoy your conversations during this transit–you are willing to listen as well as add your own thoughts. As well, your ability to grasp unusual subject matter and to intuitively understand what others are trying to say win you some brownie points! You could also do a lot of thinking and musing about your own happiness and long-term goals.

From September 27th forward:

Your mind is focused on private matters and past issues while Mercury transits the twelfth house of your solar chart. This is a time when you are least likely to speak out of turn or to express yourself freely. You’re searching behind the curtain, and examining the past for answers. This is a good time for research, quiet contemplation, and meditation; but do avoid getting dragged down by issues that have outgrown their worth and purpose. Examining the past in order to improve the future is certainly worthwhile, as long as you don’t waste your energy on guilt. Creative endeavors could prosper now, particularly those that draw upon the emotions or that require creative visualization skills, such as poetry, art, acting, and other such activities. You are likely to require a certain amount of solitude in order to get your thoughts together or to be mentally productive. You are less likely to chat indiscriminately during this transit, and tend to be a little secretive or tight-lipped for the time being. This may be important, in fact, because this position of Mercury is sometimes associated with the uncovering of secrets, so discretion may be in order.

Mars

Until September 13th:

Mars continues to energize your solar twelfth house now. While Mars occupies the twelfth house, asserting yourself in a direct and straightforward manner can be difficult. This is largely due to a feeling of not being in touch with what it is you want or desire just for the time being as you reassess your goals and needs. This lack of direction and self-knowledge should prompt you to look within to learn about your desires. It is likely that you will be much clearer when Mars reaches your first house. For the time being, take some time for rest and give your ego a break.

From September 13th forward:

You are able to stand your ground and assert yourself more than usual during this transit. You have energy at your disposal to move your plans forward, and you are more enterprising. You want to leave your mark on the world in some way–however big or small–and you are more able to make an impression than usual. If circumstances are such, you are able to easily fight back. In fact, you may be somewhat combative under this influence, and you may have a short temper. Avoid being pushy. Take charge of your life, but don’t bulldoze over others in the process! This is an excellent transit for assertiveness and physical vitality. Love affairs may also be stepped up during this period. On the rare occasion when an accident occurs, it is more likely to involve the head or face.

Overview

This is a strong period for career and reputation, dear Sagittarius.

The first week of September requires some adjustments, however, and this is especially the case if you’ve been spending too much time away from your daily responsibilities. Do what you can to balance things out, as you’ll be all the stronger by the time doors open for you in the last week of the month. Energy has been low recently, and you’ve had a hard time knowing how or where to focus your attention. With Mars entering your sign on the 13th, clarity comes. You are in take-charge mode, ready to take on a challenge, and willing to put yourself out in order to get where you want to go.

From the 22nd forward, there may be an unexpected source of income coming into your life or a new way to make use of a resource you already have. The key now is to work on paring down and letting go – it seems counterproductive, when in fact you’ll end up with more of what you truly need. Some of you could meet a fun friend or a romantic interest through travel or other activity that involves breaking the regular routine. Educational opportunities can open up. Publishing or promotion can be in focus, and communications thrive. You are especially free and open when it comes to expressing yourself, communicating, creating, and sharing your experiences with others in the last week of September. Watch for a situation of overdrive, however, with Mars in your sign and out of bounds from the 28th. It’s important to think outside of the box and stretch your imagination, but try not to go so far as to crash and burn.

Monthly Horoscope: Libra

Sun

Until September 13th:

The Sun continues to put a spotlight on your solar eleventh house. During this cycle, you are planting seeds for the future, dreaming up plans that you might begin to develop two months down the road, if they still seem viable then. You are more aware of the benefits of networking, and you might find some great ideas through others now. You might be working in a team now. You could be questioning some of the rules you have been living by and you could be ready to try something totally new. You are more attracted to that which is progressive or unconventional during this cycle.

From September 13th forward:

The Sun travels through your twelfth house now, marking a time of retreat and regeneration. Think about the attachments you have–to things, people, and routines–and consider which ones are dragging you down. This is a time when competitive energies and the ego are on a bit of a break. It’s not the time to push ahead with brand new projects. Rather, it’s a time of reflection, dreaming, and recharging your batteries. Situations that have naturally outgrown their usefulness in your life can now be put behind you. Endings of natural cycles may be part of the picture at this time of year. Your energy is largely applied to personal and private affairs now. Your disposition is introspective. Rest and reflect, and prepare for a more outgoing cycle when the Sun moves into your first house.

Venus

Until September 21st:

Venus continues to move through your solar eleventh house. This is a strong time for putting your ego aside and lowering your defenses and simply enjoying people. It’s a good time for networking and settling disputes if there are differences to iron out with friends. Cooperation comes easily, and warm friendships can be made during this cycle. Personal freedom is especially important to you right now, and you won’t enjoy any associations that limit you. It can also be a good time for earnings from business.

From September 21st forward:

Venus is spending some time in “hibernation” in your privacy sector. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that your love life is stagnant, but that your affection is expressed behind closed doors. Attraction to secrets and whispers characterize this period, although for some, it can also be a time of endings, relationship concerns, and wistfulness. Personal and social contacts may be secretive, and there can be secret love affairs, or at least very private love feelings and longings. Shyness can lead to some loneliness or romantic frustration. However, this can also be a deliciously private and intimate time.

Mercury

Until September 17th:

Mercury continues to transit your solar twelfth house. This is a cycle in which clear decision-making does not come easily. You are paying more attention to unspoken or hidden elements of any circumstance. You are seeing all sides to any given story, and forming a definite opinion does not seem “right” for the time being. Thoughts turn to the past. It’s a strong period for gaining different perspectives on problems or issues in your life, as well as for reflection and research, but not the easiest time for presenting your ideas.

From September 17th forward:

With Mercury in your solar first house, you are most inclined to speak up about matters that you previously were only mulling over. Your disposition is more intellectual than usual now, and self-expression comes easily. You are sharper than usual–more observant, and more inclined to “live in the head”. Relationships with siblings, neighbors, classmates, and casual friends may become more prominent in your life now. It is likely that you will initiate discussions during this period, evaluate your appearance and the impact you have on those around you, and make contact with others rather than stay chained to any one place or activity. This is the time to be direct and to communicate your needs and interests. You are more inclined to talk about yourself and your personal past now. This may also be a restless time when it is difficult to turn the thinking process off when it would be better to relax! It is an especially fruitful time for any endeavor that requires dealing with words, ideas, and facts and figures. Your demeanor is more youthful, perhaps mischievous, light-hearted, and non-threatening so that others may be more inclined to turn to you for advice or pleasant conversation. Using the power of words to attract what you want or to further your interests works best for you now.

Mars

All month:

Mars continues to energize your solar second house. You tend to put more effort into making money or making your life more comfortable and secure during this cycle. Your strong desire to be financially independent could lead to positive things, such as paying off debts or increased enterprise. The opposite side of the coin is asserting your independence by making impulsive purchases or taking risks with your money. You are more protective of the way you earn or spend money, as well as with the values you live your life by, and if others question you about these things, there could be arguments.

Overview

A lot is going on in your heart for much of September, dear Libra. You’re less inclined to take action in your day-to-day life until the last week of the month.

You’re quite talkative, however. You may not be revealing much, but you’re inclined to speak up, make connections, and move about.

While your mind is active, it’s important to recognize that it’s time for a spiritual and emotional check-up. If there are loose ends in your life to take care of, this is the time to do so, as your solar year winds down.

In the first week of the month, adjustments should be made if you have been overdoing activities that take you away from family, or for some of you, there can be conflicts with family if you’ve been pouring a lot of energy into friendships and causes. There is a stronger need to tend to your personal life now. Love is quiet or especially private.

The Full Moon on the 8th can remind you of work responsibilities and health matters, and good energy is with you for tending to these things.

From the 13th, you have considerable energy for learning, pet projects, and speaking up about matters that are important to you.

In the last ten days of September, finances and domestic matters really begin to move forward. Family roles are changing, and your determination to resolve challenges is building.

In the last week of the month, your life really picks up pace. Gears are set into motion for new plans and goals, friendships form, partnerships expand, and doors open for positive change. A close partnership could be a strong source of intellectual companionship.

This is a time for exploring, taking healthy risks on a social level, and letting go of pre-conceived ideas of what friendships and relationships “should” be.

Your personal New Moon occurs on the 24th, and you are holding the power to push forward with your personal plans. If you need to update your image, this is the time. From the 29th, Venus enters your sign and boosts your personal appeal, continuing for much of October as well.

Source: Cafe Astrology.

Tuesday, September 2:

Catch up.

Wednesday, September 3:

Productive. The New Moon in Virgo in full effect! All the Virgo things, such as details, organization, and health initiatives, have been attended to. Catching up on school; I will be where I need to be (slightly ahead of the next lesson) by the end of next week at the latest, and preferably by the beginning of next week (Tuesday).

Biking to school is fun! Takes less time than the bus and about twice as much time as driving, yet it is easily more than twice as much fun as driving (I do not like driving! That said, I do not dislike it either. =P).

Caitlin is inspiring! I have never been more focused to get things in order before I actually need them to be in order. This affords me the freedom of quality time with my love without feeling harried about things left undone.

The goals I gave myself at the beginning of the year are well within reach. Watch me!

Finished The Wave, Vol. 1 and Disconnect:  The  Truth About Cell Phone Radiation… Three more library books to read by the end of the month. Which reminds me, I need to renew them. I also need to pay for I Don’t Believe in Atheists by the 24th. I swear, that book disappeared into mid-air! It belongs to the Los Angeles County Library! You’d think if someone found it they would just turn it in! Turn it into any LA County library, it doesn’t matter which!

This is a great month! I can feel it. Learning to manage stress is the overarching theme.

Books to read this month:

Zapped: Why Your Cell Phone Shouldn’t Be Your Alarm Clock… (Ann Louise Gettleman)

UFOs and the National Security State (Richard M. Dolan)

Dream Interpretation (Jung)

I will finish Zapped within a week. Then on to Jung. I began reading it but it was challenging. Jung doesn’t mess around. I thought I had a great grip on his writing, as I’ve read four or five Jung books, but I have not been prepared for the past two (I bought his work on Archetypes a while back). I will attack Dream Interpretation with renewed vigor!

Dolan’s magnum opus is what I am most looking forward to, however. An incredible tome! Can’t wait!

And then I will buy The Wave, Vol. 2. Very excited!

Thursday, September 4:

Not so excited today, largely due to the Sun being hidden by clouds. Grrr, I hate overcast days. But Fall is right around the corner (the 21st, a.k.a.  Fall Equinox!). Better get used to it.

Practicing yoga early in the morning in this weather reminded me of two years ago, when I did it with such regularity (although there wasn’t even overcast — it was pitch black!). I vow to do the same this Fall/Winter.

Up at 5:30. Practice by 5:45. I’m excited! Did it once… do it again!

OH YEAH LOOK AT THAT EXCITEMENT CAN’T HOLD IT BACK WHERE ARE YOU LOCATED?!

El oh el.

I am constantly reminded of Patrice Malidoma’s comments on power. When talking about American buildings, he notes how they are a symbol of power, and talks about how in his tribal community, power is internalized, as power expressed is power lost.

I have increasingly great personal power, and I feel tempted to exercise it. To explore the boundaries and limitations of it.

But with great power comes great responsibility…

It will be very challenging for me to create and maintain platonic friendships with the opposite sex. Maintaining less so than creating.

But I tire of male friendships. I look around my male friends and lament at how uninterested in spirituality they are. Yet the females I run into are so receptive about spirituality! Kiyoko is, Caitlin is, Jocelyn is (although it’s complicated), Cheri is, Michelle is…

But men? They may pay lip service to it but they really aren’t.

Why have doubts, Adam? Love conquers all. You’re right. I don’t have doubts. It’s more fear of the unknown. Well, feel the fear and do it anyway!

Zapped is crazy. Caitlin, you need to read this book. At the least I will share it with you. I am becoming increasingly confident that significant EMF exposure is a significant cause of your ills.

But I have to pick my battles. It’s crazy how similar Caitlin is to my Mom. And how similarly I behave towards her as I do my Mom.

One of the biggest issues I had with my Mom was being too critical. Somehow I have since lulled myself to sleep re my critical tendencies. Now, with Caitlin, they come back to the forefront.

I am worried about hurting her. Now that I have awareness towards the issue, I see just how uncontrolled I have allowed it to become. Sigh.

Yoga. Love. I’ll be fine. Why doubt? Doubt is the robber.

I’m bored. I want to work out. Too bad I’m at school. Math, what fun…. Not.

Sunday, September 7:

Yoga, work, biking.

Spent most of the past two days with C. Enjoyable as always, but I’d now like to focus my energies on celibacy for a couple weeks.

And Cassiopaea.

Cheri isn’t spiritual. Me and C experienced a paranormal event at my house the other day, and an epiphany quickly followed, reaffirming my insight about not wanting to be friends with non-spiritual folk. That could mean a lot of friends on the chopping block. Damn near all of them, in fact.

I’m indifferent. I love them but if it’s time to move on, it’s time to move on. I deleted Kiyoko, Gildardo, Cheri and Robert from my phone.

Aside from spirituality, I value communication the most. This includes honesty, attentivenes and thoughtfulness.

Did you actually read my texts and demonstrate understanding of what I said through your response? Are you thoughtful about simple, but meaningful, gestures of politeness re: ETA, responsiveness, planning, suggesting free time or plans if you bail or flake or are otherwise unable to make it, and so on?

It’s 2014. I use my phone significantly less than most people and yet I still have no problem living up to these standards the vast majority of the time. You didn’t get back to me in a timely manner? It’s likely not because you didn’t see it. It’s more likely because you were distracted, lazy and/or dismissive. In which case I don’t want to be bothered with you.

I have had far too many one-sided friendships where I am giving significantly more energy, respect and knowledge than I gain. No more.

Me and C balance and address each other’s needs so well that I realize how little I need from friends, anyway. I am sociable, attractive, personable, thoughtful, and interesting. I can make friends virtually any time I walk out of the door. If you do drugs, are uncommunicative, moody, materialistic, impolite, and otherwise don’t have your shit together, I am no longer keeping you in my phone or otherwise giving you priority in my life.

Monday, September 8:

Full Moon.

Tuesday, September 9:

Yesterday was tough. Fast was aborted. Realized I was quite stressed and needed to ease back (c) Ultramagnetic MC’s.

Let food be thy medicine. Still perfect so far re food intake, “perfect” essentially meaning not eating out. Had the first strong urge to yesterday. Chipotle. But I noted it, almost gave in to it, and then it abated. Have a lot of fat to lose anyway.

Today is much better. Financial stress easing.

Dream Interpretation Ancient & Modern is fairly boring so far, but it’s less than 50 pages in. We’re finally up to Modern — 1900s. The ancien stuff is boring to me, but I understand it’s important anyway. So I just force myself to read it and familiarize myself with it.

It’s a much easier read than I imagined, however. Should be done by the end of the week. Maybe Thursday.

“Gave in” and consumed sports media last evening. It was pretty boring. Didn’t watch football or anything, though. I’m still pretty adamant about that. The goal is a perfectionist’s pursuit, I must admit, but it is thus: to go the entire year without watching sports of any kind. I mean, if I catch a glance in a bar or something, whatever; I mean of my own volition, sitting down and physically choosing to watch a game. Not gonna happen.

Had a neat idea the other day: wear the same thing to school every day. Like Doug. Jeans, wife-beater or V-neck. Actually, I’m just gonna wear V-necks everywhere. They work for me. Don’t care about being fancy. V-necks and sports gear, with a small handful of “nice” outfits. One or two dressier outfits. That’s it. Give the rest away. I am embracing being a minimalist.

It’s like something turned within me soul. I have renewed energy at avoiding cell phone usage, oogling guys and gals, or otherwise being distracted. Even when I looked at sports media, I felt substantially less invested than just eight or nine days ago. I recognized it for what it was: killing time.

Not proud of that, feeling like I had to kill time. My energetic resources felt low and the brain craved old patterns of behavior that were easy. So be it. My energy is back so I’ve just been reading Jung all day.

Wednesday, September 10:

Tough day.

Well, it got a whole lot better. Tough morning/early afternoon. Great from them on.

Thursday, September 11:

Almost done with Jung.

Sunday, September 14:

Spent past two days with Caitlin, per usual.

Energy still low. Withdrawal blows. Smash dreams every night. What an insidious addiction video games are. Yikes. What took me so long to finally say enough is enough?

Will finish Jung today.

Tuesday, September 16:

Have not finished Jung. Finished something more important, however. Weeee!

Energy is picking up. Discipline paying off.

Wednesday, September 17:

Bit sore.

Caitlin and I have a lot of work to do on our relationship. But sexually it couldn’t be better.

Thursday, September 18:

Productive. Woke up at 5 AM. Unable to get back to sleep so, by 6, decided to make the best of it. Weeeeeee! (c) Esfandiari

Sunday, September 21:

Lot going on. Happy Fall Equinox!

Dreams: Lindsey. Mom. Mom, Sandy, others at a get-together. I blow up about family drama and her manipulation. Stockholm Syndrome.

Lindsey. I’m sitting on the couch at Sandy’s and Lindsey is there! Why are you here? How’s everything? Great conversation ensues. Romantic context or feelings, however. Joey randomly says uninteresting things to interrupt. No talk about kids. Lindsey feels very different.

Caitlin’s been here since Thursday. Finally realized my Dad is abusive and, as such, will never admit his abuse. Family, childhood, self-destructive patterns, addiction make sense. Clarity. Therapy needed. Reached out and reconnecting with siblings. Mom still suffering from Stockholm. My brother is amazing.

Caitlin and I are going through a lot. A whole lot. But everything just serves to make us stronger. We’re both healing from traumatic, abusive pasts through each other. For us not to work, we would go back to our old selves. For me that’s addiction such as Smash (video games), porn (and its many off-shoots, including porn elements introduced in relationships, FWBs, etc.), drugs. That’s why so many friends have gone bye bye. If you’re involved with addiction, I’m no longer your friend.

Ran with Nathaniel a few days ago. One of the best times we’ve had together. Lot of clarity. Talked a lot about the old days. Put my fear of success in perspective.

Getty, if you ever read this, I miss you.

People I don’t miss/who aren’t good for me: every Smasher ever.

Monday, September 22:

Ben dropped my books off. Now all I have to do is give Mike back his controller and everything Smash-related (except for maybe Joe, who could go either way) is completely gone from my life.

Well, not everything. I did bore myself watching a stream the other day. It’s the same thing all the time. I won’t make the same mistake and watch Big House. Right? Maybe not.

I am never playing again, however. That’s what primarily matters. Threw my other controller away.

The reason I broke up with Ben is that, although I love him, I have decided that it’s not worth my energy to be friends with anyone who lacks spirituality. Believe in God, whatever religion/path you choose. I don’t particularly care. But if you don’t have a strong belief in God, in spirituality, in your practice, your works, your rituals, in the cosmos, whatever you choose to call it, then you’ll forever lack the ability to elevate your consciousness and solve your problems.

Freedom, man. Feels free.

Productive day. Yoga practice is paying off. Motivation is returning. Organization, cleaning, discipline.

Tuesday, September 23:

Extremely close to breaking up with Caitlin.

Thin ice.

Started Richard Dolan’s UFOs and the National Security State. Excellent. As promised.

Still need to summarize the three or four other books I’ve finished this month.

Just took anthro test. Meh. Did well except for the part about the scientists who came before Darwin. Failed that horribly. I was lazy in studying that part.

Overall, however, I likely got a C+ to B. Which I’m fine with considering I put in about 30 minutes of study time. Difficult for me to care about my classes. Frankly I’m proud of myself that I conquered inertia enough to work on math for three or so hours yesterday. I’d like to do better than straight C’s, but at the same time am not heartbroken if that’s what it comes to. Just pass, dude. Just finish. Who cares if you’re huffing and puffing. Who cares if you sell yourself short. It’s okay not to be perfect, especially in avenues you are intrinsically less passionate about.

Well, it’s always okay not to be perfect. I readily sacrifice to shoot towards perfection towards fitness, health, psychology, yoga, metaphysics, religious study, astrology and the like. Yet I love those subjects enough to come to grips with the fact that I am okay with never being perfect in those studies, that they are, by nature, art and science alike.

In community college, knowing how intelligent I am, my perfectionist tendencies are exposed. That’s a large reason I’ve never excelled, because right next to perfectionism is fear of failure.

No longer. I’ve failed spectacularly time and time again to the point that I increasingly accept failure.

Update: We’re taking a break for an indefinite amount of time. May be permanent. Who knows. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

September 24, Wednesday:

Been lazy writing down my dreams…

And… we’re back. -shrugs- One, I’m going through stuff. A lot. Most of which isn’t suitable for consumption. And that which is (familial DJ Dr-dr-drama) is something I haven’t had the energy to write about. TL;DR version: my familial dysfunction is a tragedy few have the stomach to, well, stomach.

Two, I question whether Caitlin loves herself, which led to three, Caitlin low-key taking advantage of me. Words are cheap. It’s time for action. Show me.

What is love? Man, I need to re-watch that Love and the Time of Transition youtube vid. That and Cassiopaea has a lot of great stuff on love. Love is less feeling and more conscious knowledge. If you are unconscious, you are a machine, to paraphrase Gurdjieff. Machines obviously can’t love. Most of humanity is a machine.

Love is objective. Love is knowledge. Love is action. Love is sacrifice. Show, don’t tell.

I love Caitlin, but let’s be real: I could get “better.” But what is “better”? Time doesn’t exist. Better does not exist without a concept of time. Improvement does not exist without a concept of time.

What does that babble mean? Well, if I love Caitlin, and I feel a sense of purpose and destiny with her, and more importantly, us, then who cares about her faults?

Back to the real world. Third density is hard. I am imperfect. If I cannot my own imperfection, how can I accept others’? So there’s that.

The best things about Caitlin are the subtlest: energy. The worst things about Caitlin are the most obvious and glaring. I value the former much more than the latter. The former changes the latter. Yet the latter is a reflection of the former. Her latter is a reflection of the warped nature of the former.

Her energy is as strong, or stronger, than mine. She can do it. Of that I have no doubt. But if she has doubt about herself, if she feels unworthy, then what does it matter what I do or do not have faith in.

We’ll see. The apparent fact of the matter is that there’s no one else I want or need, and the feeling is mutual. The foundations of a successful relationship are here: faith, trust, communication, forgiveness. Tell me, what can we not accomplish with those four things?

Trust implies commitment. Any lack of trust/commitment is found in myself, not in her. That said, any lack of communication is found in her, not me. This is obviously a simplification — these things exist on a continuum — but for the sake of ease of explanation this feels, seems and stands up to examination as, more or less, objectively true.

Not sure how the faith stacks up. Interesting. We both have forgiveness in spades, thankfully.

Anywho, met with counseling and am on track to transfer to CSU-SB by Fall ’15 pursuing a degree in psychology. About time.

School is being handled. Still have much to catch up on, but in the past few days it went from “could go either way, with failure a distinct possibility” to “still precarious, but success likely.” In the next week we will see me turn it into “success ordained with discipline maintained.”

School is more or less down. Yoga is next. Addicted to Yoga is within sight. Soon. By November 1st.

For the next five to six weeks I will be spending very little on entertainment or anything that’s not needed. “Needed.” There are many things I would like to grab that I will put to great use. Health supplements. Debt. BPA-free packaging to freeze my nuts in. Water bottle. New bike tires. New bike light, front and back. The goal I am working towards are essential oils. $220 for, like, 64 high quality essential oils and some companion handbooks to learn about aromatherapy.

It may sound contradictory but becoming more minimalist has been at the forefront of my mind. Hoarding less. Trusting in the universe more. Using less. Giving away more. Giving away half my wardrobe or more. Throwing away another quarter. Necessity is the mother of invention.

Will be juicing less. Three times a week rather than every day. Every day has become a chore. It has also become quite expensive with the switch to organic.

So I lost Chris Hedges – I Don’t Believe in Atheists. And apparently no one has returned it in the eight or so weeks. So it’s going to cost me $35. Lame as fuck. How the hell did I even lose it? It friggin’ popped out of mid-air. It was lost in one of two places, and no one has seen it. Absurd.

I called around library systems asking if they found it. Nope. Well, at least I’m becoming more responsible. There’s that. There’s no flippin’ way I could’ve prevented losing this book. It’s life. It wasn’t me being careless. I was reading it and loving it at the time. It just disappeared. So it goes.

September 25, Thursday:

Dreams: Cassiopaea. Being taught by a dude who looks like Naramein. But I felt questionable energy from him. Bugs kept collecting around my bed. Like a test of applying the very principles he was teaching.

Laura appeared eventually. Michelle and her were dismissive towards me about something and I snapped, biting Laura’s head off (figuratively).

Hmm, what else?

Fuck math. Seriously. I don’t care if I fail this class. What does it matter? Yeah, it’ll be a setback, I s’pose, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. I’m going to do my best and not stress out if I don’t pass. Just take it  again next semester. Fuck it. I’m so stressed I just want to go to sleep. Sleep dep. Don’t wait til the last fucking minute to do homework next time, eh? Whatever. Had bigger shit on my plate. Whether I pass or not, that shit will no longer be on my plate, so things only looking up from here on out. Kind of.

Re-read the monthly horoscope with a heavy dose of perspective.  The Mars stuff is spot-on. Some other stuff is accurate, others not quite. I’ll be more specific later. I think.

September 26, Friday:

Caitlin’s coming over. Could go either way.

I want pussy. There, I said it. But I want high-quality pussy. Adam, he asks, are you willing to put in the effort to achieve high-quality tail?

What is that effort, Adam?

Well, it is notoriously difficult to discern between conditioned perspective and the reality of the situation.

I am quite an attractive young man. But that has not always been the case. It is a very recent situation, in fact, only discovered within the past two years. Confidence and competence has lagged behind impartial observers’ perception. Sometimes I feel like a sheep in wolf’s clothing.

You’re beating around the bush. What’s the main thing that holds you back?

Money. On one hand, there’s getting my life together. While I’ve made significant progress in doing so this year, I am not in the least satisfied with it. Now is not the time to rest on my laurels. Get out of debt, land your dream career and get a car first. Competence breeds confidence, so why not stick the landing first?

True. That makes a lot of sense! Hey, tell my hormones that! Tell that to the sexy young women who constantly look me up and down.

What’s the root of the issue? Insecurity, certainly. And the root of insecurity is always fear. Fear of lack, whether it be lack of esteem, confidence, wealth, prestige, etc.

I feel like I’ve “missed out” on things I want to experience just for the sake of experience. But at the same time there is an intense private, wild side of my life that few are privy to. The point of bringing that up is this: have you really missed out? You’ve done many things few have, things you never thought imaginable until they happened.

I don’t know. Where does Caitlin fall into this? Good question.

She worries me with her talk of spending the rest of our lives together. Okay, yeah, in the moment that sounds great. I’d love to have the wherewithal to do all that. But objectively speaking, no, it’s not going to happen. I’d feel like I’m sacrificing too much. I’m only 25. There are too many itches for me to scratch. I am the prize! Hold up!

You’re confused, Adam. There’s a lot going on in your life. Maybe you should do the one thing you often find most challenging: exercise patience. That’s my Cancer Moon talking, my poker background. Don’t know what to do? Lay up in the cut and peep the situation. Do not commit to anything. Businesses, I’ve heard (unverified but it sounds neat!), do not make business decisions until they need to, if for no other reason than because it is always better to absorb as much information and let as much time pass before a decision has to be made.

Don’t do anything you’ll regret. You’ll be fine.

Now that school is over for the week I feel a lot better. Still need to catch up on sleep, however. I’ve been waking up at 6-6:30 every day. That’s not a bad thing but is problematic when I have been sleeping after 10:30-11 every night.

I did not take naps the past two days, gambling that not doing so would allow me to knock out like a baby at 10 PM. No dice. Been using electronics too close to my bedtime, most likely.

New nickname: Inside-Out.

Saturday, September 27:

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (c) Antonio Esfandiari

Sunday, September 28:

Have not been getting much sleep but still feel pretty refreshed at the moment.

One can accomplish quite a bit in a month!

From where I began — five to ten pounds overweight, 3-6 weeks out of shape, dealing with confusion, withdrawal, stagnancy, out of the practice of daily writing/scribing, well behind on school — to where I am now? Whew!

Now I am approaching where, in my mind, I “should” be. I’m not far at all. Health and fitness has been tremendous this month. As far as my physical output I’m about halfway to where I was before my tank went on ‘E,’ but mentally I am as good or better than I was at any point on that journey.

Gotta go slowly. I have a tremendous tendency to bite off more than I can chew. Going slower than I think I should is actually working!

Monday, September 29:

Restless.

Tuesday, September 30:

First case of Ebola in the U.S. Sad to say but I’m not surprised. Cassiopaea has a fantastic thread on it. The C’s say this will be a pandemic. This is only the beginning. I hope I’m wrong. But I doubt it.

Within the thread are a couple of interesting posts that say that it actually is airborne. The end of times. Are they here? Is this it?

Sounds preposterous, right? Not with all the conspiracy research I do. With modern air travel? What are the chances he infected even one other person? And if they infect one other person during the incubation period? And/or travel to different parts of the United States and the world?

As soon as it gets out of Africa, it’s a wrap. That’s what it feels like. And it probably is.

This is a huge deal. This is some of the biggest news in the history of modern civilization. It is the job of authoritarian outlets to say they have everything under control. Transparency is not their job.

Don’t be scared, just be prepared for the worst.

http://www.sott.net/article/285906-Ebola-outbreak-out-of-all-proportion-and-severity-cannot-be-predicated

http://www.4thmedia.org/2014/09/scientists-allege-deadly-diseases-such-as-ebola-and-aids-are-bio-weapons/

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,35034.0.html

Viral Apocalypse Part 1 (pay wall)

Viral Apocalypse Part 2  (pay wall)

Inferno 2014  (pay wall)

Okay, maybe I’m just freaking out a little bit. Maybe not.

Goal for October: pay off a lot of debt.

The last 12-week cycle ended unceremoniously. September 1 is the start of a new 12-week cycle.

Low on energy at the moment so will be as expedient as possible.

Goals for this cycle, in order of priority:

Yoga: Complete Primary Series (2 hours), 6x/wk

Lifting: 5×5, 1.5x/wk (may be reduced to 1x/wk):

Squats: 200 lb
Deadlift: 200 lb
Bench: 175 lb
Barbell Row: 140 lb
Overhead: 125 lb

Those are the only two forms of physical fitness I am regimenting myself to. The next two are optional and leisurely:

Biking: However much I want. Just riding for errands, to and from school, to relieve stress, etc.

Running: However much I want. Maybe 2 times a week for 2 miles, if we want to be ambitious. If we don’t want to be ambitious, 2-3 times a week for 1.5 miles. That said I will not resume running at all until the middle of the month.

Until I reach and master the goal of yoga, master in the sense that I meet and stick to it for six months or so, I do not particularly care about making significant advances in lifting, biking or running.

I am tired of burning out. Yoga is all that matters. Everything else is secondary. I strongly suspect that pushing myself too hard with regards to running and lifting has been the primary reason behind the burnout. They are extremely tough on your body over prolonged periods of time. They are also largely counteract with yoga.

I am a yogi. Have the confidence to be and remain a yogi.

But, as is always the case whenever I burn out, I start from the beginning with yoga once again.

Everything that follows is in order of how I actually worked out that particular day.

Monday, Sep 1:

Short hike with Caitlin

StrongLifts 5×5:

Squats: 185 x 5

Bench: 165 x 5

Deadlift: 185 x 1

Squats were tough. Thought about quitting around the third set.

Bench was flat-out fun!

Deadlift was tough.

We’re staying at one time a week for the entire month. No plans to add weight, but maybe I will if I feel particularly strong. Working on getting the form back.

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Felt tight since I practiced after lifting. Quads tight. Still out of shape. Good progress relative to the past few days.

Tuesday, Sep 2:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Sore from lifting. Strong practice nonetheless.

Wednesday, Sep 3:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Not quite first thing in the morning, but it was within a few hours after waking (9:30 or so). Yesterday’s was at night (9:30 PM).

Was even more sore than yesterday. Shouldn’t be sore at all tomorrow, however.

Biking:

To Sprouts (six miles) and college (10 miles), 16 total. (Edit: Actually biked about halfway home. Let’s say 20 miles total.)

Thursday, Sep 4:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Almost first thing. Was simply pressed for time, but it was fun. Woke up around 7:30, practiced around 7:30.

Friday, Sep 5:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Practice by 8 AM.

Biked ~15 miles around noon.

Saturday, Sep 6:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana

Lazy morning; C slept over. Yoga within 90 minutes of waking, methinks. May have been earlier.

Sunday, Sep 7:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana

Within 20 minutes of waking. 7:30 AM.

Biked ~15 miles.

SL later today. Full Moon tomorrow.

StrongLifts:

Squats: 185 x 5

Overhead Press: 110 x 5

Barbell Row: 135 x 5

95-plus degrees outside. (I always lift outside; that’s where the garage is.) Dripping with sweat. Strong workout.

A significant amount of fat to burn and muscle to build. But I’m still at the amount of force I was six weeks ago. In other words, I didn’t lose much strength at all. Yes, it’s tougher. But I’m also going easy. I could do the weight I was at before but I am going slowly as not to tax myself.

Ride this out for the month. Then add a little more next month. Fun!

Monday, Sep 8:

Full Moon

Tuesday, Sep 9:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana

First thing in the AM. 6:35 AM or so. So far so good on the first thing bit. It’s been a bit easier than expected.

Still pretty tight from lifting Sunday. And just tight in general. Practice feels far from limber. Whatever. One day at a time.

Wednesday, Sep 10:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana

11:20 AM.

Biking.

Thursday, Sep 11:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

7:35 AM.

Two flats in one day re biking. So no biking today. -.-

Friday, September 12:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana

11 AM or so.

Saturday, September 13:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana

11 AM or so.

Sunday, September 14:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana

7:40 AM.

Monday, September 15:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

10:35 AM.

StrongLifts:

Squats: 185 lb x 5

Bench: 165 lb x 4; 160 lb x 1

Deadlift: 185 lb x 1

No words. Hard work. That’s it.

Tuesday, September 16:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

9:30 AM.

Biked 20 miles. 100 degree heat. Good times.

Wednesday, September 17:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana

New pose, same great taste. 9:30-40 AM.

Biked 15 miles, more or less. Possibly more.

Thursday, September 18:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Strongest practice since returning. Wow! Quickly getting back in the swing of things. The biggest challenge will be, in fact, to slow down!

But I’m not thinking about it. Just feeling it.

Biked 20 miles, more or less.

Friday, September 19:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Saturday, September 20:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Sunday, September 21:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Monday, September 22:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

8:30 or so.

Sunday’s was at night, 9:50 PM. Saturday was late, too, around 9:30. Friday was in the morning. Forget when. Not too early, not too late.

StrongLifts:

Squats: 185 x 5

Overhead Press: 110 x 5

Barbell Row: 135 x 5

Fourth SL of the month. Next week I’ll add pullups, push-ups and forearm curls again.

Not quite ready to add weight. I’ll know when I am. I mean, I could, physically speaking, but I am being careful wrt stress and my yoga practice. Yoga is going swimmingly at the moment and now’s not the time to potentially risk anything.

Tuesday, September 23:

New Moon

Wednesday, September 24:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Biked 12 miles. Might add another 11 miles to that before the day is done. Bit behind on math. We’ll see.

I did bike those 11 miles.

Thursday, September 25:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Haven’t been keeping track of time.  This one was 7:10 AM or so. When Caitlin was over they were fairly late. When she hasn’t been over it’s been early, but not super early.  Today was the earliest in a week or so. Let’s keep it up. No later than 15 minutes after waking up, bruh.

Biked 20 miles.

Friday, September 26:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Trying not to beat myself up for only doing sun salutations!

Hey, look at it this way: “originally” (well, not “originally originally,” more like “revised originally”) I said 6 days a week of yoga was fine. So far I’ve been on 6.5 days a week, only taking off New/Full Moons. So this basically slides right into one of those off days (one a week) I’ve allowed for myself.

There, now I feel better. I can rationalize like a mutha!

The truth is I was lazy in the morning and by late morning Caitlin came and the day got away from me. Started this at 11:45 PM. Right the ship tomorrow, Adam!

Saturday, September 27:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Ship righted! What time was this?

Sunday, September 28:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Added one of the most challenging poses for me, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana. Felt particularly limber so why not. Did not plan on adding poses until October 1, but I felt good so I did it.

Don’t have any set plans for what to accomplish in October. In my mind adding 15 minutes a month sounds great. But that could be easier said than done because it’s cumulative.

If I get through the entire Standing and Finishing sequence by the end of October, that would be an incredible accomplishment. Let’s see… The four prasaritas, the next pose being one I like, then the balancing poses… That’s eight or so. Get through the balancing poses and all of finishing and that’d be pretty sweet. That would be 15 or 20 minutes added.

Actually, let’s just get through tomorrow. One breath at a time.

Also ran a mile.

Monday, September 29:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Late again, around 7:30. Meh.

Mentally eh. Physically great.

Also biked 10 miles.

Today is typically StrongLifts. Not today, however. Bleh. Do it tomorrow or, more likely, Wednesday instead.

Tuesday, September 30:

Yoga:

Surya Namaskara A & B, 5x (each)

Standing Sequence:

Padangusthasana, Padahastasana

Utthita Trikonasana, Parivrtta Trikonasana

Utthita Parsvakonasana, Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Finishing Sequence:

Urdhva Dhanurasana, Paschimottanasana

Baddha Padmasana, Padmasana, Tolasana

Savasana

Early, 7:45. But still kinda late. Whatevs. Didn’t sleep well. Only ~5 hours. The practice energized me quite a bit. Carried me throughout the day.

Lifting tomorrow.

Biked 20 miles.

Daily or near-daily supplements consumed:

Shilajit

Organic Chlorella SL

Organic Spirulina

Organic Morgina Powder

Rhodiola (cycle: 3 weeks on, 1 week off; currently off, will cycle on beginning Sep 8)

Apple cider vinegar (1-3 tbsp)

Bread consumed is always Ezekiel (and never the cinnamon style; that has superfluous amounts of sugar). Eggs are always farm fresh from Billy’s Egg Farm. Vegetables are increasingly organic. Coconut milk is always organic, usually unsweetened (the only time it’s sweetened is when Sprouts is out of stock -.-).

Monday, Sep 1:

AM:

~38 oz fresh juice

~3 farm fresh egg omelette w/ avocado, veggies, chia seeds

PM:

coconut almond granola (6g sugar per serving) w/ non-sweetened coconut milk, black & raspberries, kiwi, cinnamon, chia seeds, freshly grounded peanut butter, pecans, walnuts, pepitas, sunflower seeds

PB & banana (two slices slice) on Ezekiel sesame seed bread

small-medium serving of Manhattan clam chowder w/ 1/2 avocado

protein shake w/ hemp & whey powder, unsweetened coconut milk, cinnamon

Tuesday, Sep 2:

AM:

PB & banana, two slices

PM:

PB & banana, one slice

large bowl of coconut almond granola with strawberries, banana, 1/2 kiwi, chia seeds, pepitas, sunflower seeds, peanut butter, walnuts, pecans and cinnamon ensconced in unsweetened coconut milk

~40 oz fresh fruit/veggie juice

Wednesday, Sep 3:

AM:

~48 oz fresh fruit/veggie juice

I’m going overtime on the juice! I went three or four weeks without it, so I’m playing catch-up. Yes, I am an OCD perfectionist, why do you ask?

4-egg veggie “omelette” w/ small avocado, chia seeds, celery, tomato, potato

PM:

peanut butter & banana, two slices

protein shake w/ coconut milk, whey & hemp protein

granola cereal

Time to stop eating this. Gave me a stomach ache imo. Wheat Belly.

small amount of fried wasabi peas

Thursday, Sep 4:

AM:

~40 (actually forgot to look at how much) oz fresh fruit/veggie juice

Dat organic, yo!

4-egg veggie omelette

I could get used to this routine:

Yoga –> juice –> shower –> “omelette” + supplemental drink –> whatever needs to be done

PB & banana, one slice

PM:

Writing this Sunday, so…

Granola, I think.

Then probably PB & banana.

Friday, Sep 5:

AM:

4-egg veggie “omelette”

PM:

Hmm, I dunno. 40 ounces of juice. Granola. PB & banana. No, actually it was tuna. I’ve been having too much PB & banana. I put mango in the tuna and it was amazing.

Saturday, Sep 6:

AM:

steel-cut oatmeal. No more granola for a couple months.

PM:

b rice, b beans, Sprouts chicken w/ veggies. Bomb. Had a lot. Was starving.

Tuna sandwich. One slice of PB & banana.

Sunday, Sep 7:

AM:

PB & banana, one slice

steel-cut oatmeal (right around noon)

mixed nuts w/ dried cranberries

PM:

mixed nuts w/ dried cranberries

Writing this Tuesday and don’t particularly care if this is accurate or not; I just know I’ve maintained “perfection”:

~40 oz of juice. I remember this well because it was the last thing I consumed for the night. I also added onion and forgot to add apple. As a result it was extraordinarily bitter. Yuck.

I ate a lot this PM, I think, because I was preparing to fast Monday. So 4-egg veggie omelette. Probably two more PB & bananas. Definitely one slice of tuna, because it was the last of it. Oh yeah, chicken, b rice, b beans.

Monday, Sep 8:

AM: 

Nothing

PM:

Fast ceased. PB & banana, two slices. Steel-cut oatmeal. Veggie omelette (3 eggs). Two more slices of PB & banana. Yeah, I definitely tend to eat the same things each day. Simple, simple, simple.

No juice, however. :(

Tuesday, Sep 9:

AM:

veggie omelette (3 eggs), oatmeal.

1/2 mixed nuts w/ dried cranberries

PM:

PB & banana, two or three slices

Maybe four. Don’t think I ate anything else.

Wednesday, Sep 10:

AM:

PB & banana, one slice

PM:

~48 oz juice

Large serving of b rice, b beans and p beans, Sprouts chicken

PB & banana, one slice

Thursday, September 11:

AM:

3-egg omelette, medium serving steel-cut oatmeal

PB & banana, two slices

PM:

b rice, b beans & p beans, Sprouts chicken

Dunno what else (writing this Sunday). Maybe steel-cut oatmeal. Something typical and homemade. Oh, probably juice. Almost certainly juice.

Friday, September 12:

AM/PM:

Some combination of PB & banana, omelette, steel-cut oatmeal… Actually, I didn’t have omelette. Chicken, rice, beans.

Late night (Saturday morning, really) had Mix Bowl. Spicy coconut soup with chicken, lemongrass, cilantro, mushrooms. Sweet and sour white rice with chicken, pineapple, cucumber, tomato. Light on the sauce.

Saturday, September 13:

AM:

~25 oz juice

Leftover Mix Bowl. Small servings.

Peanut butter & banana.

PM:

Peanut butter and banana. Ran out of banana. Peanut butter and mango. Do not repeat.  Wasn’t bad, wasn’t good.

Split-pea and sweet potato soup.

Omelette.

Sunday, September 14:

AM:

Potato soup.

PM:

split-pea & sweet potato soup

Blah blah what else did I have? Like 3-4 slices of PB & banana. And that’s it. No juice. No oatmeal. And an omelette.

Monday, September 15:

AM:

~30 oz juice. Mostly organic nowadays.

4-egg omelette.

PM:

One slice PB & banana. Swai fillet, sweet potatoes, veggies.

Chicken, b rice, b beans.

Tuesday, Septmeber 16:

AM:

~35-40 oz juice

two slices PB & banana

PM:

Protein shake

PB & banana (one slice)

steel-cut oatmeal

Wednesday, September 17:

AM:

~30-35 oz juice

PB & banana (one slice)

1/2 cantaloupe (had a half of one a few days ago, organic; forgot to write it down)

PM:

PB & banana, two slices

v small serving potato soup (thought it was the last of it but I actually have much more!), medium serving split-pea & sweet potato soup (definitely the end of it)

small amount mixed nuts w/ dried cranberries

steel-cut oatmeal

Thursday, September 18:

It’s been, what, a week and I’m already running low on peanut butter. I just bought, like, three pounds of it! Maybe four pounds!

Time for a correction. For the next two weeks there will be no PB & banana. I mean it! Just tuna. Tuna all day errday. -flexes-

AM:

~30 oz juice

The effect of going organic is noticeable. Hurting the hell out of my wallet, however. Money is TIGHT! We’ll see.

four eggs, veggies, one slice bread

PM:

mixed nuts w/ dried cranberries

potato soup

chicken, b rice, b beans

Writing the rest Sunday night…

Friday, September 19:

Saturday, September 20:

Sunday, September 21:

Me and Caitlin made a meal with whole wheat pasta, Sprouts chicken, basil, grape tomatoes, oregano and pesto. We had 2-3 servings of that.

Four slices of PB & banana. Steel-cut oatmeal x3. Scrambled eggs x1. Inka Trails Peruvian cuisine: quinoa and chicken, egg batter, potatoes, and whatever else was in that. 3 servings of that. (Was mediocre.)

Hmm, what else. I don’t really remember, the same stuff I always have.

Monday, September 22:

AM:

Mixed nuts w/ cranberries

PM:

two tuna sandwiches (4 slices Ezekiel). tuna made w/ avocado, onion, jalapeno, eggs (Farm fresh, natch)

chicken

3 eggs, no potatoes

protein shake

I’m hungry. Bleh, need more food. Didn’t get around to making steel-cut oatmeal. Too much homework.

Tuesday, September 23:

AM:

3 eggs, no potatoes. Potatoes are a difference-maker.

Protein shake.

PM:

mixed nuts w/ cranberries

chicken burrito from Chipotle. Guac, tomato. No corn, sour cream, hot sauce. Beans, b rice. ripped off as much of the flour tortilla as could hold the burrito together.

steel-cut oatmeal for dinner. lots of MANGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Wednesday, September 24:

AM:

protein shake

juice, ~35 oz

mixed nuts w/ cranberries

One tuna sandwich.

PM:

4 eggs. potatoes are back.

very large serving of Sprouts chicken, forbidden rice (excellent!), chickpeas (!!! hi Lanka!)

KOSHER SALT IS SO GOOD!

Thursday, September 25:

AM:

4 eggs

PM:

WHAT DID I EAT

Thursday I went to school. So no food until I got home around 2, 3. Chicken, garbanzo beans (HI LANKA RANASINGHE!), forbidden rice. Garbanzo beans so goot!

What else? Not a lot, whatever it was. Oh yeah, tuna. Vowed to eschew peanut butter and banana for two weeks ‘cuz I’d been eating it non-stop. And the replacement is tuna. Improves cardiovascular and brain function and gets a healthy dose of omega-3s. Also tons of protein and quite filling. It’s just not as tasty, especially since I’m reduced to cheap tuna for four cans.

I don’t think I had anything other than that. I remember looking back and saying, Wow, I had barely anything to eat. No oatmeal because fruits aren’t ripe. No juice. Probably had 2 tuna sandwiches. They’re filling.

Friday, September 26:

AM:

4 eggs

PM:

granola w/ strawberries, kiwi, nuts, chia, cinnamon, almond milk. No peanut butter. Extraordinarily tasty ‘cuz the almond milk wasn’t Unsweetened (Sprouts didn’t have Unsweetened so I had to content myself with “normal”)

tuna sandwich, two slices, lots of tuna

mixed nuts w/ cranberries

Saturday, September 27:

AM:

Caitlin is cooking an apple stew thingamajig (“apple compote,” she chides) for me to help solve the oatmeal fruit conundrum. First-world problems solved by first-world solutions. It’s 1:34 AM and by 2 I will be enjoying my long-lost steel cut oatmeal!

We (well, she didn’t have any last night but I did!) had more oatmeal this morning. Mmmmm.

PM:

Sprouts chicken, garbanzo beans (!!!), forbidden rice

FORBIDDEN RICE FO LYFE!

coconut almond granola w/ strawberries, kiwi, cinnamon, nuts, seeds, peanut butter, almond milk (1/2 swetened 1/2 unsweetened as I finished the rest of the sweetened)

Pretty darn proud of my discipline this month re: food intake. It’s really beginning — key word: beginning — to pay off. Increase of energy, improved physique.

Sunday, September 28:

For once I’m not ravenously hungry! Shockingly the granola lasted me the rest of yesterday, shocking considering I had it around 5:30 PM.

AM:

~35 oz juice

steel-cut oatmeal

PM:

4 eggs, 1/2 large avocado, veggies

mixed nuts w/ cranberries

chicken, garbanzo beans, forbidden rice

I feel particularly accomplished on days where I only have one heavy carb meal, with the other meals being heavy protein/fat.

Keep this up! I’m getting significantly stronger. This month has been superb.

Monday, September 29:

AM:

steel-cut oatmeal. Lot more sugary fruits than usual. Apples, mango. Almost added peaches. Okay, one more sugary fruit isn’t a “lot.” But tomorrow peaches will likely be added.  Three times as many sugary fruits officially counts as a “lot.”

But I don’t care. How OCD do you have to be to trip out over adding mangos, peaches and apples to steel-cut oatmeal? As OCD as me. Well, it’s just worth noting. For my lifestyle, these type of additions are treats. Rare occasions one must cherish.

Just biding my time til cranberries hit da store!

PM:

chicken, garbanzo beans, forbidden rice, 1/2 large avocado

Adding the avocado was an excellent choice. Have avocados to get rid of. This may become a permanent addition. Blended so well. As always. Avocado blends with almost everything.

4 eggs, 1/2 large  avocado

May have tuna later.

What did I have later? Hell if I know. Sure wasn’t tuna.

I don’t think I had anything. I had steel-cut oatmeal real early on Tuesday, however:

Tuesday, September 30:

AM:

Woke up at 1. Ate oatmeal around 2.

mixed nuts w/ cranberries around 11.

PM:

Nothing until 5, 5:30. Two slices of tuna.

Then forbidden rice, garbanzo beans, chicken. 1/2 avocado.

One more slice of tuna.

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